Sam Malone Sam Mayday Quotes from Cheers
* “DIANE:” Oh Sam, I have wonderful plans for every room in the entire house.
“SAM:” That’s funny so do I. Why don’t we start right here in the living room. These floors look like they could use a little POLISHING.
* “SAM:” In that case, my horsey guy takes your pointy headed guy.
* “ROBIN:” I must confess, I rarely lose.
“SAM:” Really? Well, you’re a natural at it. speaker (39 K .wav)
* “SAM:” Do me a favor here, Woody. Hold down the fort while I pass that lady a tray of smoked SAMMY.
* “SAM:” I need a little help, here, because I don’t have that much experience saying no to women. I mean, the closest I’ve ever gotten is, not now, we’re landing.
* “SAM:” OK, I admit it. I’m not a sad guy, I’m a happy, horny guy.
* “SAM:” (after seeing Rebecca naked): Damn! A Kodak moment and me without my camera.
* “REBECCA:” I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
“SAM:” Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I’ve never had trouble with a woman in ANY position.
* “REBECCA:” I’m tired of you undermining my authority. Now, I want delivery men to deal with me and me only. Is that clear?
“SAM:” You certainly put me in my place. Speaking of my place, why don’t you grab your negligee and join me.
* “DIANE:” You’re very stupid!
“SAM:” I’ll tell you how stupid I am. I see through you like a book! speaker (38 K .wav)
* “JOHN HILL:” Well Sam, I see you monkeys have discovered FIRE. Would you like to come upstairs and see the damage at Melvilles?
“SAM:” You know, why not, it might even CHEER me up. speaker (240 K .wav)
* “REBECCA:” You’re right. You’re right. I mean, where would Sam be without his CRUTCH. You know, all those years, those women weren’t making love to you, they were making love to your car.
“SAM:” No, that’s where you are wrong. They were making love IN my car.
* “SAM:” Ya’ see, matching a Corvette with the right owner, Dennis, is kind of like finding a home for an animal…
“DENNIS:” OK, but I’m kind of pressed for time. I gotta’ get to my hair stylist.
“SAM:” Good.. good. (Checks him out) Oh, VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD… Just a few multiple choice questions… Number one, it’s high noon your driving in Harvard Square, parking is limited. Do you, A park in a handicap zone, B park in a regular spot under a tree, C drive around until a space opens up.
“SAM:” (jumps up) What are you nuts??!! I can’t believe it man! It’s a trick question. You don’t drive this baby at high noon, man! Sun damage, bucko! What the hell is wrong with you?!! What do you want to do, oxidize the paint?!! Get outta’ here, you make me sick!
* “REBECCA:” Sam, guess what I’ve got under my coat?
“SAM:” If I guess right, can I keep them?
* “SAM:” We were just wondering, now that you are here in Boston, well what are your plans?
“FRANZIE SCHREMPF:” While I’m here, I’d like to wear blue jeans, see a Tom Cruise movie and eat a Big Mac.
“SAM:” Whoa!! SEXY, DUMB and a CHEAP DATE!
* “SAM:” (slams down phone) Man, what is with these East German babes! All week long, I have been trying phone calls, flowers .. the whole thing. What am I doing wrong?
“FRASIER:” Well Sam, I see no alternative. You’re just going to have to become a Communist.
“SAM:” What do you do, apply for a membership or something?
* “SAM:” (blonde enters bar) Ooh! Ooh! Blonde at 2:00. Blonde at 4:00. Blonde at 6:00.
“WOODY:” What are you talking about Sam, she hasn’t even moved yet.
“SAM:” I know. I know. I’m just trying to fit her into my schedule.
* “REBECCA:” What makes you think that I’m not going to sleep with the guy?
“SAM:” Well honey, you know, you see the sun come up every morning for 30-40 years .. after a while you start to trust it.
* “DIANE:” Is there anything I can do for you in this time of crisis?
“SAM:” Not dressed.
* “SAM:” To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I’m in a court of law where I’ve got to propose to you or go to jail. It’s the classic American love story.
* (talking to Norm’s (Kreitzer’s) plain Jane secretary)
“SAM:” Actually Doris, I’m doing a little research here.
As a woman, would you ever consider going out with someone who drives a Volare?
“DORIS:” Are you kidding, I drive one myself. It used to be my mothers.
“SAM:” I GOTTA get my car back.
* “SAM:” Hey, look at this place. So, this is what you finally picked out, huh?
“CLIFF:” Is it everything you thought it would be, Sammy?
“SAM:” No. No. I like it.
* “REBECCA:” No. No. No. You don’t understand they (the drunken ladies book club) asked for you. … Yes. They said send in the (she mumbles the rest)
“SAM:” … Could you say that slower, please?
“REBECCA:” The tall hunk with the rippling rump.
“SAM:” And you automatically thought of me.
“REBECCA:” Will you just get them out of here, please?
“SAM:” I will RIPPLE them into submission.
* “CARLA:” Oh, well don’t feel bad, Sam. I mean just because everybody else got her (REBECCA) something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.
“SAM:” Yeah. Yeah. Wait a minute. All of those guys were just trying to get her in the sack … (light goes off in his head) I got some shopping to do.
* “REBECCA:” Evan found a nice little bowl for his goldfish to swim in .. Safe out of the reach of the other executive sharks.
“SAM:” Obviously, he forgot about the Great White Sammy!
* “SAM:” Whoa.. Don’t you think your going overboard on these SUPERFICIAL little things? I mean who is going to notice?
“REBECCA:” Sam, your hair is clumping up a little bit on this side.
“SAM:” (as he reaches for a mirror) What?! Hey! Guys, your supposed to tell me when this happens!
* “REBECCA:” How could you take advantage of a lonely, older woman like that?
“SAM:” Ohhh, sweetheart.. When the lights go out, everybody is the same age and NOBODY is lonely.
* “SAM:” Boy, I tell ya’ Mr. Gaines, I sure would like to live in a place like this.
“MR. GAINES:” Yes, a home in the suburbs is nice.
“SAM:” No, I mean THIS room.
* “WOODY:” Sam, what do I do if Kelly’s mom tries to go to bed with me?
“SAM:” Kelly’s mom? I’m SHOCKED and more than a little impressed.
* “SAM:” I’m Sam Malone, by the way.
“HENRI:” Ooh! I’ve heard about you in France.
“SAM:” Oh yeah. You follow baseball?
“HENRI:” No, stewardesses. speaker (66 K .wav)
* “DIANE:” Sometimes there is no PLEASURE in conquest.
“SAM:” Yeah, I haven’t forgotten our first night together, either.