Workplace Quotes

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

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A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm

will go further than a great idea

that inspires no one.

(Mary Kay Ash)

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A meeting is an event which the minutes are kept

and the hours are lost.

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After any salary raise,

you will have less money at the end of the month

than you did before.

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All stressed out with no one to strangle.
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Any job worth doing is worth doing well.
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Are you a ray of sunshine everyday..??
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Ask me tomorrow what it means.

(Wesley Unseld)
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Attitude is everything !
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Attitude…??? What attitude…???
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Attitudes are contagious…..is yours worth catching?
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Be nice or get out !!
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Because “Nice” matters…

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Before I started working here…

I drank and smoked and used foul language…

for no reason whatsoever.

But now, thanks to my job,

I have a reason !

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Being organized interferes with my creativity.
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Burning the midnight oil ~!~
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Business before pleasure.
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Calling in ugly is NOT a viable excuse for missing work !

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Coming together is a beginning;

Keeping Together is progress;

Working together is success.

(Henry Ford)

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Do they ever shut-up on your planet???
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Does being good at being stupid count?
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Don’t ask me….I was hired for my looks !

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Don’t be irreplaceable.

If you can’t be replaced,

you can’t be promoted.

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Don’t criticize my knowledge….correct your ignorance !!
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Don’t give me problems…give me solutions…!!
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Don’t play stupid with me…I’m better at it!

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Don’t rush me !

I’m making misteaks as fast as I can !

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Employees caught speaking Spanish

will be paid in Pesos !

(seen in an auto-body shop on a sign)

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Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it.

Autograph yours with excellence.

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Everyone is entitled to my opinion…
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Famous last words…”Don’t worry, I can handle it !!”.

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Final Offer:

What an experience negotiator makes

before he starts making concessions.

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First thing in the morning…eat a frog.

Nothing worse can happen to you all day.

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For something to become clean, something must become dirty.

(seen on a sign at a pizza restaurant)

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Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants:

1. It’s done on a high level.

2. It’s accomplished with a great

deal of roaring and screaming.

3. And it takes two years to get results.

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Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.
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Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
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Hard work never hurt anybody.
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Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance !
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Hassle with Care !
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Have a nice day….somewhere else !!

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Hire a teenager, quick,

while they still know everything !!

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I believe no problem is so large or so difficult

that is can’t be blamed on somebody else ….!!

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I can only please one person per day.

Today is not your day.

Tomorrow is not looking good either.

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I don’t get headaches….I give them !
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I don’t have a solution, but I admire the problem.

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I don’t have an attitude problem,

you have a perception problem.

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I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it !
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I don’t want the world…I just want your half !!

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I give 100% to my job.

10% on Mondays,

20% on Tuesdays,

50% on Wednesdays

15%on Thursdays,

and 5% on Fridays !!

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I have an occupational disease…

I’m sick of working !!

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I have one nerve left…

and you’re getting on it !!

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I like your approach…now let’s see your departure.

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I love deadlines.

I especially like the “whooshing” sound

they make as they go flying by !!

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I meant to do my work today,

but a brown bird sang in the apple tree,

and a butterfly flitted across the field,

and all the leaves were calling me.

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I never let the facts interfere with my opinion.

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I only employee teenagers,

because they know everything !!

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I only know what people tell me.

(Lew Archer)
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I owe…I owe…it’s off to work I go !
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I pretend to work…they pretend to pay me.
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I strive for excellence, not perfection.
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I used to be disgusted — now I’m amused.

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I work just like I get paid.

A little bit each each week!

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I work to live….I don’t live to work.

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I’d enjoy the day more if I started later !
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I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
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I’d quit my job…but it’s the only place I get any sleep.

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If a messy desk means a messy mind,

what does a blank desk mean ??

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If crying and pouting don’t work….BITCH !!

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If I agree with you…

will you shut up ??

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If I want your opinion,

I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

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If it is to be, it is up to me.
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If idiots could fly….this place would be an airport !!

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If it wasn’t for the last minute,

nothing would get done.

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If you are grouchy, irritable or just plain mean…

there will be a $10 charge for putting up with you !

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If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

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If you can’t run with the big dogs,

stay on the porch !

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If you don’t know where you are going,

you’ll probably end up somewhere else.

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If you don’t like my attitude….

call 1-800-who-cares !!!

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If you haven’t got time to do it right,

when will you find the time to do it over?

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If you needed it today

why don’t you wait

and order it tomorrow.

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If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.
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If you’re going to panic, do it constructively !!
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I’ll try being nicer…If you’ll try being smarter !

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I’m a responsible person.

If something goes wrong,

I’m responsible !

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I’m a temperamental person….

95 % temper and 5 % mental !!

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I’m depressed, nobody’s after my job.
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I’m not deaf. I’m ignoring you.
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I’m only working until I win the lottery.

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I’m trying to arrange my life so

that I don’t ever have to be present.

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Inspiration come of working every day.

(Charles Baudelaire)
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Is it 5:00 yet ??
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Is there such thing as a gruntled employee ???
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It Ain’t Easy !!!

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It infuriates me to be wrong…

When I know I’m right !!

(Moliere)

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It is often easier to fight for principles

than to live up to them.

(Adlai Stevenson)

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It sure make the day long

when you get to work on time !

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It’s a tough job ! So, I’d rather YOU do it…!!!
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It’s been Monday all week !

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It’s better to keep your mouth shut and look stupid

than to say something and leave no doubt about it !

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Just when you thought you were winning the rat race,

along come faster rats.

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Many hands make light work !
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Mental backup in progress…do not disturb !!
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Mind like a steel trap…rusty and illegal in 37 states.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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Mornings wouldn’t be so bad…If they just started later !!
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My cow died so I don’t need your BULL anymore !
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My mind works like lightening….one brilliant flash and it’s gone !!
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My take home pay won’t even take me home !
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No Admittance…if on business…go to Office…

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No Brains….No Headaches !

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No matter how busy I am,

I’m never too busy to stop

and talk about how busy I am.

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No Questions Please…I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet!!!
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Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute !!
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Of course, I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time…

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Of course I need it today !!

If I wanted it tomorrow,

I’d order it tomorrow !

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Office angel, my guardian dear,
Help me with the workload here…
Guide my hands through this paper mess,
And help me deal with deadline stress.
Amen.

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Office Arithmetic

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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One day I’ll learn to keep my mouth shut.

Until then, close your ears.

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Only Robinson Crusoe had everything

done by FRIDAY !!

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Our policy is to always blame the computer !
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Out of my mind….back in 5 minutes.
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People who are organized…are just too lazy to look for it !!

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Please be patient…

I only work here

because I’m too old for a paper route

and too young for social security.

~~~

Poor planning on your part

does not constitute an

automatic emergency on my part.

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Put up with me !! I won’t put up with you.

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Quiet please…genius at work!!

Mistakes made while you wait…

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Save time….do it MY way…!!!

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Science may never come up with

a better office communication system

than the coffee break.

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Shock Me…..say something intelligent.
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Smile…it confuses people !!!
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Stressed……ME????

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The next raise you get will be just enough

to put you into a higher tax bracket;

but not enough to make any difference

in your take home pay.

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Take care !

The toes you step on today

may be connected

to the A** that you have

to kiss tomorrow.

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Teamwork is vital…it gives you someone to blame.

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Tell me what you need,

and I will tell you

how to get along without it…!!

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Thank God it’s MONDAY !!

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The best man for the job …is a woman !

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The boss said a little work never hurt anyone,

but I’m not taking any chances.

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The expert at anything was once the beginner.
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The first myth of management is that it exists.

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The hardest thing of all to give is…..IN

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The last person who quit or was fired

will be held responsible

for everything that goes wrong.

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The trouble about being in a rat race is…

even if you win,

you are still a rat !!

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There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
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There is absolutely no substitution for a genuine lack of preparation.
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There is no job so simple that it can’t go wrong.
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There is no problem I can’t handle….”I have kids !”
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There is no task so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
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They can’t fire me….slaves have to be sold.
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This isn’t a desk…it’s a landfill !

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This job is a test, it is only a test.

If this had been an actual job

you would have received raises,

promotions and other

signs of appreciation.

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This place would fall apart if it wasn’t for me.
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To err is human, to forgive is NOT our policy.

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Two rules to be a good employee:

Rule #1: The boss is always right.

Rule #2: When the boss is wrong…see Rule #1 !!

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Was today really necessary ?
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We do precision guesswork !
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We don’t make mistakes, we do variations.

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We don’t teach people to be nice.

We simply hire nice people.

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Welcome to the ZOO !

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When opportunity knocks….

some people only complain about the noise.

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When we go to get listed on the NASDAQ

we want to go with shiny shoes.

(saying by CEO of a company)

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When work is a pleasure, life is a joy.

When work is a duty, life is slavery.

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Work is for people that don’t how to golf !!

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Work is like a rodeo

You put up with a lot of “BULL”

And there’s always some “CLOWN”

That thinks he runs the show.

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Work smart, Not hard.
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Work with me people !!!

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You can go anywhere you want if you

look serious and carry a clipboard.

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You don’t have to be crazy to work here…

but it helps !!

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You want me to do WHAT ???
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Your work habits are your signature of life.

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49 % Nasty and 51 % Nice

Don’t Push It !!

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