Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey): Warning! A$$ holes are closer than they appear!
Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa!
Ace: Yes, Satan?
Ace: If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer!
Ace: I just can’t do it Captain, I don’t have the power!! submitted by Rebecca
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura, now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace: Good question, Aguado. First, I’d establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug’s [private part] and become insanely jealous. Then I’d lose 30 pounds… PORKIN’ his wife!
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet [private part]. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey,maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number’s still 911? All righty then.
Ace: Excuse me, Ron! I uh, need to use the bathroom. I think it’s the pate.
Ronald Camp: Sure, it’s over there.
Ace (groaning): Thanks. Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?
Melissa: You know, you’re just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn’t work out and you don’t know how to express your anger.
Ace: Yeah? And you’re ugly.
Ace: I have exorcised the demons, this house is clear!
Mrs. Finkle: If he had held the ball laces out like he’s supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone!
Ace: Is it number one or number two?
Ace: We’re talking paranoid delusional psychosis. I saw the guy’s room. Cozy, if you’re Hannibal Lecter.
Ace: If you were to look up NFL’s all time bone-headed plays, you might read about a Miami kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the final field goal in super bowl 17. (DEEP BREATH) What you wouldn’t read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was commited to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police squad under the assumed identity of a missing hiker maniupulating his weight and a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing. -submitted by Jeff