# “BART:” Sir. Sir. He specifically requested two niggers. Well, to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
# “BART:” Hey Charlie? … Let me ask you something. … What is it that’s not exactly water … And it ain’t exactly earth?
“BART & CHARLIE:” QUICKSAAAAAAND!
“TAGGART:” Oh shit, quicksand. God dang, now we are in trouble.
“BART:” They in trouble.
# (reaching into his pants)
“SHERIFF BART:” Excuse me while I whip this out.
# (holding a gun to his own neck)
“SHERIFF BART:” (in a deep voice) Hold it. That next man makes a move, the nigger gets it.
“OLSON JOHNSON:” Hold it men. He’s NOT bluffing.
“DR. SAMUEL JOHNSON:” Listen to him men. He’s just crazy enough to do it.
“SHERIFF BART:” (in a deep voice) Drop it or I swear ‘ll blow this nigger’s head all over this town.
“SHERIFF BART:” (in a high voice) Oh lordy lord! He’s desperate. Do what he say! Do what he say!
# “SHERIFF BART:” Oh baby you are SO talented and they are SO dumb.
# “SHERIFF BART:” What are your pleasures? What you like to do?
“WACO KID:” Oh, I don’t know. Play chess, screw.
“SHERIFF BART:” Well let’s play chess.
# “SHERIFF BART:” Man why you do that to yourself?
“WACO KID:” Ah ha ha, you don’t really want to know that.
“SHERIFF BART:” I do. I do.
“WACO KID:” Well, if you must pry.
“SHERIFF BART:” I must! I must!
# “SHERIFF BART:” Well raise my rent you are the Kid.
# “SHERIFF BART:” Well once I establish myself in this here town, Deputy Spade might turn out to be a groovy position. (68 K .wav)
# “SHERIFF BART:” Candygram for Mongo.
# “SHERIFF BART:” I’m rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
# “LILI VON SCHTUPP:” Well then, how about a little uh (whispers in his ear)?
“SHERIFF BART:” Baby, please, I am not from Havannah.
# “LILI VON SCHTUPP:” Will I see you later?
“SHERIFF BART:” Well it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.
# “SHERIFF BART:” Hey. What’s happening in the clean worl’?
# “CHARLIE:” Yoohoo! You shifty nigger. They said you was hung!
“SHERIFF BART:” And they was right!
# “SHERIFF BART:” Well don’t just sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How ’bout a little … applause for the Waco Kid? (104 K .wav)
# “SHERIFF BART:” Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just 24 hours. That’s all I ask.
“SHERIFF BART:” You’d do it for Randolph Scott.
# “HEDLEY LAMARR:” Under the provisions of this bill we would snatch 200,00 acres of Indian territory, which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time. They’re such children.
“GOVERNOR:” 200,000 acres? 200,000 acres? What will it cost, man? What will it cost?
“HEDLEY LAMARR:” a box of these (box of paddle balls).
“GOVERNOR:” Are you crazy? They’ll never go for it, and then again they might. Little red devils! They love toys!
# “GOVERNOR:” Work, work, work! Work, work, work! Work, work, work! (stares at his secretary’s chest) Hello boys. Have a good nights rest. I missed you!
“GOVERNOR:” Read it! Read it, you wild bitch!
# “GOVERNOR:” Holy underware! Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We’ve got to protect our phony baloney jobs, gentlemen. We must do something about this, immediately, immediately, immediately!
“ALL:” Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!
“GOVERNOR:” I didn’t get a ‘harrumph’ out of that guy!
“HEDLEY LAMARR:” Give the governor harrumph!
“GOVERNOR:” You watch your ass.
“Boris the Executioner:”
* “BORIS:” Oh, welcome to hanging house. Not to worry. Everyone is equal in my eye.
” Buddy Bizzare: (Dom De Luise)”
* “Buddy:” Watch me faggots!
* “Buddy:” CUT! What in the hell do you think you’re doing here? This is a closed set!
“TAGGART:” Piss on you. I’m working for Mel Brooks! (goes to punch Buddy)
“Buddy:” Not in the face!
(punches him in the stomach)
“Buddy:” Thank you.
* “HOWARD JOHNSON:” As chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new … nigger.
“Indian Chief: (Mel Brooks)”
* “INDIAN CHIEF:” Cop a walk it’s all right. �. Hus du gezen in deine leiben, they darker than us. Woof!
(In Yiddish this means ‘Have you ever seen anything like this in your life?’)
“Lili Von Schtupp: (Madeline Kahn)”
* “LILI:” (singing) Here I stand, the goddess of desire. Set men on fire. I have this power. Morning, noon, and night, it’s dwink and dancing. Some quick womancing and then a shower. Stage door Johnnies constantly suwwound me. They always hound me, with one wequest. Who can satisfy their lustful habits? I’m not a wabbit!
* “LILI:” (singing) I’ve been with thousands of men. Again and again, they promise the moon. They’re always coming and going, and going and coming, .. and always too soon. (200 K .wav)
* “LILI:” Hello handsome. Is that a ten gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
* “LILI:” I’m tired. Tired of playing the game. … Let’s face it everything below the waist is kaput!
* “LILI:” Ooh, a wed wose. How womantic.
* “LILI:” Tell me Schotzie. Is it twue what they say about the way the way you people are … gifted? (Sounds of zipper being unzipped) Oh, it’s twue. It’s twue! It’s twue! It’s twue!
* “LYLE:” C’mon boys! The way you’s lollygagging around here with them picks and ’em shovels, you’d think it was a hundred and twenty degrees. Can’t be more ‘n a hundred and fourteen!
(a worker passes out)
“LYLE:” Dock that chink a day’s pay for napping on the job! (226 K .wav)
* “LYLE:” Now c’mon boys. Where’s your spirit? I don’t hear no singing. When you was slaves you sang like birds. C’mon, how ’bout a good ol’ nigger work song?
* “TAGGART” Send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said (Bart smacks him in the head with a shovel) Ow!
“LYLE:” Send wire main office tell them I said Ow. Gotcha.
* “LYLE:” Excuse me Mr. taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead. Would that pep you up some?
* “LYLE:” Don’t pay no attention to that alchey. He can’t even hold a gun, much less shoot it. (47 K .wav)
“Mongo: (Alex Karras)”
* “MONGO:” Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sherrif first man .. ever whip Mongo. Mongo impressed. Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.
“WACO KID:” Oh ho ho. Oh, you better watch out big fella. I think Mongo has taken a little fancy to ya’.
“MONGO:” Ooh. .. Mongo straight!
* “BART:” Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo go?
“MONGO:” Don’t know. Mongo only pawn .. in game of life.
* “MONGO:” Mongo LIKE candy.
* (as two thugs beat on her)
“OLD LADY:” Have you ever seen such cruelty?
* “SHERIFF BART:” Good morning ma’am .. and isn’t it a lovely morning?
“OLD LADY:” Up yours, nigger! (141 K .wav)
* “OLD LADY:” Good evening Sheriff.
“SHERIFF BART:” Good evening.
“OLD LADY:” Sorry about the ‘Up yours, nigger’. … Of course you’ll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.
* “GABBY JOHNSON:”Gabby Johnson: You get back here you pious candy-ass sidewinder. Ain’t no way that nobody is gonna’ to leave this town. Hell, I was born here, an’ I was raished here, an’ dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me biscuit cutter.
“OLSON JOHNSON:” Now, who can argue with that?
* “OLSON JOHNSON:” Never mind that shit. Here comes Mongo!
* “OLSON JOHNSON:” All right. We’ll give some land .. to the niggers and the chinks, but we DON’T want the Irish.
* “HEDLEY LAMARR:” Qualifications?
“OUTLAW:” Rape, murder, arson and rape.
“HEDLEY LAMARR:” You said rape twice.
“OUTLAW:” I like rape.
* “REVEREND JOHNSON:” Well, I don’t have to tell you good folks what has been happening here in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded and cattle raped.
* “REVEREND JOHNSON:” I shall now read from the books of Mathew, Mark, Luke .. (bomb crashes through window) and duck.
* “REVEREND JOHNSON:” Oh Lord, do we have the strength to carry on this MIGHTY task in one night? Or are we just jerking off?
* “SHERIFF BART” All right folks, I know you’re a bit confused wondering what you’re doing out in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night.
“TOWNSPEOPLE:” You bet your ass!
* “SHERIFF BART” My work here is done. I’m need elsewhere now. I’m needed wherever outlaws rule the west. Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets. Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, and wherever a people cry out for justice.