Chewlies Gum Rep: Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs.
Dante Hicks: My girlfriend’s sc ked 37 d! cks!
Customer: In a row?
Dante: Try not to suck any [private part] on the way to the parking lot!
Dante: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that’s what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
Randal: Which did you like better? “Jedi” or “The Empire Strikes Back”?
Dante Hicks (Brian Halloran): “Empire”.
Dante Hicks: “Empire” had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off and finds out Vader is his father. Han is frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings. All “Jedi” had was a bunch of Muppets.
Customer: Are either of one of these any good? [Randal ignores her] Sir?
Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don’t watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.
Customer: You mean you haven’t heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
[turns around and shows him same movies]
Customer: Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Customer: These are the same two movies. You weren’t paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn’t.
Customer: I don’t think your manager would appreciate…
Randal: I don’t appreciate your ruse ma’am.
Customer: I beg your pardon.
Randal: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal: I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well, this is the last time I’ll rent here.
Randal: You’ll be missed.
Customer: It’s important to have a job that makes a difference boys, that’s why I manually ma sturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Randal: This job would be great if it wasn’t for the f king customers.
Randal: Would you loosen up? You’d feel a hell of a lot better if you’d just rip into the occasional customer.
Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
Randal: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
[After losing a hockey ball from the roof]
Dante: Are there any balls down there?
Jay (Jason Mewes): About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
Dante: You hate people.
Randal: But I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?
Dante: How many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.
Jay: I ain’t dealin’, man, what you talkin’ about?
Customer: Hey, you got anything man?
Jay: Yeah, what you want?
Customer: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Randal: Annoying customer.
Caitlin Bree: I’m offering you my body and you’re offering me semantics.
Randal: She’ll get over a dead guy. Shit, my mom’s been f king a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Jay: I’ve had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
Silent Bob (Kevin Smith): You know, there’s a million fine looking women in the world,dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ’em just cheat on you.
Dante: What’s your encore? Do you, like, rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?