Brodie (Jason Lee): One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his rear. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he’s buying another cat! And I says to him, “Walt, what are you doing? You know you’re just gonna get this cat stuck in your rear too, why don’t you knock it off?” And he said to me, “Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?” My cousin was a weird guy.
Brodie: Usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.
T.S.: Woah, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it’s bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak willed.
Brodie: Shit, that was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
T.S.: Really? Well, you’re lucky. Unlike you, I didn’t even get a letter filled with obscure adjectives.
Brodie: Let me ask you something, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: Why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee, not once all right? Then last week, I let one slip, today she dumps me.
T.S. You think that that’s why Renee dumped you? Come on, she’s not the shallow type.
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.: Shut up!
Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I’m relaxed, I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning!
[Shannon runs into Brodie]
Shannon (Ben Affleck): What you wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah about a million things, but I can’t express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all.
Brodie: The force is strong with this one.
Jay (Jason Mewes): Don’t encourage him. submitted by JDwhiskers
Jay: Silent Bob here stole a schematic of the stage from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the f king Death Star. We figures here you pull this crossbeam out, f kin’ bickety bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking about something simple, but if you want to destroy the stage, hey we’re all for that.
[looking at magic eye pic]
Child : Wow, it’s a schooner!
Willum: You dumb bastard. It’s not a schooner, it’s a sailboat.
Another child: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willum: You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny!…submitted by JDwhiskers
T.S.: But they’re engaged.
Brodie: Doesn’t matter, can’t happen.
T.S.: Why not? It’s bound to come up.
Brodie: It’s impossible, Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He’s an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him!
Brodie: Cookie stand’s not part of the food court.
T.S.: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs, the cookie stand is upstairs it’s not like we’re talking quantum physics here!
T.S.: The cookie stand counts as an eatery, the eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
Renee (Shannen Doherty): Brodie, I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from “Mighty Mouse,” I said okay. When we were at that hotel, prom night, and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother bursts in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother’s funeral and you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I’m gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we’re broken up, you’re in for some serious disappointment!
[T.S. and Brodie are on the escalator and pass a child who is sitting on the escalator]
Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues.
T.S.: What is with you today?
Brodie: Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she’ll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.: Sort of a harsh lesson, don’t you think?
Brodie: Man, there’s not a year goes by, not a year, that I don’t read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could have been easily avoided had some parent, I don’t care which one, but some parent, conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator! submitted by JDwhiskers
Brodie: That kid is back on the escalator again!
Brodie: You think that just because a guy reads comics he can’t start some shit!?
Jay: Fly, fat ass, fly! submitted by JDwhiskers
Brodie: My grandmother always said, “Why buy the cow…when you get the sex for free.”
Brodie: I would’ve made a sexy chick.
Brodie: How many chances do you get to see Smokey The Bandit?
Gwen: Didn’t I look just like Burt Reynolds? submitted by JDwhiskers
Brodie: Have you ever slept with somebody?
Gwen (Joey Lauren Adams): Uh, yeah.
Brodie: No, I mean really slept with somebody, beside them not just ucked them on a gaming table.
T.S.: We slept together one time, remember in high school, that ski trip?
Gwen: That was you? submitted by JDwhiskers
Jay: The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass! submitted by JDwhiskers
Jay: Where do you get those wonderful toys?
Brodie: You’re going to listen to me? To something I said? Haven’t I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don’t know shit?
[At the Dating Game show.]
Brandi: Second suitor, if we were making whoopee…
Brodie: What’s whoopee?
Brandi: Um…uh…well, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like f king?
Brandi: Suitor number three, is your kiss most like: a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gill Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I’m in there with some pressure, and when I’m done, you’re not the same as before. You’re changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I’ve ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn’t anything like that.
Host: Suitor number 2, you have to wait until you’re addressed before you respond.
Brodie: Richard Dawson just go back to your podium until it’s time to play the feud, all right?
Gill Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don’t know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gill Hicks: I didn’t kiss any guy backstage, I swear. I’m not gay.
Brodie: Hey suitorette, this guy’s a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. I this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate monger?
Gill Hicks: I don’t hate gay people!
Brodie: So you love them.
Gill Hicks: Yes! I mean no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case self loather. Can’t be comfortable with his own…sexuality.
Jay: Snootchie Bootchies!
Mallrats Movie Quotes
Brandie: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: Already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it’s all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There’s just some things you don’t talk about in public!
Brodie: Boy Wonder? I’m all man, lady!
Brodie: You’re both retarded for each other.
Silent Bob (Kevin Smith): Adventure, excitement…Jedi craves not these things.