Tony (Anthony LaPaglia): So tell me again, why did you break up with Sherry?
Charlie (Mike Meyers): Tony, I told you already, all right? She’s a thief.
Tony: You don’t honestly believe that?
Charlie: Tony she’s a klepto! All right? Listen, to this day, I still don’t know where my cat is.
Tony: Charlie, every time you meet a nice girl that you can get close to, you come up with some paranoid reason why you should break up with her.
Charlie: That’s not true. I broke up with those girls for very good reasons.
Tony: Oh really.
Tony: Really. What about Jill?
Charlie: She was in the mafia.
Tony: She was in the mafia.
Charlie: Yes, the Cosanostra. The whole time we went out she didn’t tell me what she did for a living.
Tony: Charlie she was unemployed! She didn’t have a job!
Charlie: Ah, that’s just the perfect cover now isn’t it?
Tony: All right, all right. What about Pam?
Charlie: (Thinks for a minute) She smelled like soup.
Tony: What does that mean?
Charlie: She smelled exactly like beef vegetable soup!
Tony: Charlie you’re paranoid!
Charlie: Well, you weren’t there.
Tony: It’s all in your head!
Charlie: No, no.
Tony: It is!
Charlie: No, no, no. submitted by JDWhiskers
Stuart Mackenzie (Mike Meyers): Look at the size of that boy’s head! I’m not kidding, it’s like an orange on a toothpick!
Tony: Shh! You’re going to give the boy a complex.
Stuart: Well, that’s a huge noggin’. That’s a virtual planetoid; has it’s own weather system.
Stuart: Head, paper, now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper, if you can. Hauling that gargantuan cranium about. I’m not kidding that boy’s head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn’t it? He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie: No, I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Charlie: You know, Scotland has it’s own martial arts. It’s called “F You!”
Charlie: I like the night life. I like to boogie.