Spaceballs Quotes

# “BARF:” I’m a mawg: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!

# “BARF:” Look, your heinous it’s not that we’re afraid, far from it, it’s just that we got this thing about death, it’s not us.

# “BARF:” Oooh, that’s gonna leave a mark.
(after trying to get up without unbuckling his seatbelt)

# “PRINCESS VESPA:” I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids!
“LONE STARR:” Oh great. That’s all we needed. A Druish princess.
“BARF:” Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.

# “BARF:” I’ll have the cleavage .. eh the special.

# “DARK HELMET:” WHAT?? You went over my HELMET?

# “RADAR TECH:” I’m having trouble with the radar sir.
“DARK HELMET:” What’s wrong with it?
“RADAR TECH:” I’ve lost the bleeps, I’ve lost the sweeps, and I’ve lost the creeps.
“DARK HELMET:” The what?
“RADAR TECH:” The what?
“DARK HELMET:” And the what?
“RADAR TECH:” You know, the bleeps (makes bleep noise), the sweeps (sweep noise) and the creeps (creep noise).
“DARK HELMET:” That’s not all he’s lost!

# “COL. SANDURZ:” He’s an Asshole, sir.
“DARK HELMET:” I know that. What’s his name?
“COL. SANDURZ:” That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole.
“DARK HELMET:” And his cousin?
“COL. SANDURZ:” He’s an Asshole too, sir. Gunners mate first class Philip Asshole.
“DARK HELMET:” How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?
“ALL CREW:” Yo!!
“DARK HELMET:” I knew it. I’m surrounded by Assholes!

# “COL. SANDURZ:” Prepare the ship for light speed.
“DARK HELMET:” No. No. No. Light speed is too slow. …. We’re going to have to go right to .. LUDICROUS speed.

# “COL. SANDURZ:” Sir, you better buckle up!
“DARK HELMET:” Ah, buckle this!

# “DARK HELMET:” What have I done??? My brains are going into my feet!!

# “DARK HELMET:” Yogurt!! Yogurt!! I hate yogurt .. even with strawberries!

# (playing with his dolls)
“DARK HELMET:” So Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you. The way I want to. ….
(In female voice) No, no, please leave me alone. … I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone. Yet, I find you strangely attractive.
(D.H. voice) Of course you do! Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have BOTH, and you KNOW it!
(female voice) No, no, leave me alone!
(DH voice) No, kiss me!
(female voice) No!
(DH voice) Yes, yes!
(female voice) Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is SO big!

# “DARK HELMET:” (Dr.) Slotkin … We’re done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your puts.

# “DARK HELMET:” Ooh, I bet she gives GREAT helmet.

# “DARK HELMET:” Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
“LONE STARR:” What?
“DARK HELMET:” I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
“LONE STARR:” What’s that make us?
“DARK HELMET:” Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

# “DARK HELMET:” If there’s one thing I despise, it is a fair fight.

# (Lone Starr and Helmet holding their light sabres at crotch level)
“DARK HELMET:” You have the ring and I see that your schwarz is as BIG as mine. Now let’s see how well you HANDLE it.

# “DARK HELMET:” Say good-bye to your two best friends, and I don’t mean your pals in the winnebago.

# “DARK HELMET:” Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!

# “PRINCESS VESPA:” I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids!
“LONE STARR:” Oh great. That’s all we needed. A DRUISH Princess.

# “BARF:” I know we need the money, but…
“LONE STARR:” Listen! We’re not just doing this for money… We’re doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!

# (the dinks rescuing Lone Starr)
“LONE STARR:” Agh. Thank you.
“DINKS” D-D-Dink dink.
“LONE STARR:” Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

# “LONE STARR:” So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time, for the last time.

# “GUARD” What the hell are you doing?
“LONE STARR:” The Vulcan neck pinch?
“GUARD” No, no, no, stupid, you’ve got it much too high. It’s down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
“LONE STARR:” Like this?
“GUARD” Yeah!
(Guard falls to the ground)
“LONE STARR:” Thanks!

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