# “AliCE:” Fitz you HAVE to take that test. I’m very hurt that that’s why you invited me over today.
“EMMETT:” Oh come on, don’t do that Alice. I’m sorry. I’m not myself today. I saw my neurologist this morning.
“AliCE:” You’re not going to give me some bullshit that you’re dieing are you?
“EMMETT:” No. … Not now. speaker (79 K partial .wav)
# “REPORTER:” What about the Paraguayan army’s request for spraying subisidies?
“EMMETT:” Are there any Paraguayans here? No? Well, of course, their request for subsidies was not uh Paraguayan as it is, as it were, uh the United States government would never have if the President, our President had not and as far as I know that’s the way it will always be. Is that clear? speaker (163 K partial .wav)
# “EMMETT:” Oh, uh will you hold my wallet while I take the test, please? There is a thousand dollars in there .. or maybe there isn’t. Know what I mean?
“TEST MONITOR:” Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
“EMMETT:” What do you think? speaker (157 K .wav)
# (aboard a plane)
“EMMETT:” We’re just hitching a ride with these guys. They won’t make us jump.
“AUSTIN:” Jump. No chance. We won’t have to jump.
# (war cry in the distance)
“EMMETT:” Was that me?
# (surrounded by Ninjas)
“AUSTIN:” We need a plan.
“EMMETT:” Let’s play dead. speaker (36 K .wav)
# (surrounded by Ninjas)
“EMMETT:” : Alright. .. Stop right there, and I’ll bring back the sun. (takes out his wallet) Ok, .. this is .. my sister. You can all have her. I hear she’s very good. speaker (151 K .wav)
# (surrounded by Ninjas)
“AUSTIN:” For God’s sake how some balls!
“EMMETT:” I think it’s too late .. to try and impress them. speaker (40 K .wav)
# (surrounded by Pakistani rebels)
“EMMETT:” (In Pakistani) If you let me go, you may keep my friend’s head for polo.
# “EMMETT:” Well the truth is I am a great surgeon, but alas, I recently suffered nerve damage in my left hand. Look at that, no feeling at all. Dead. (Grabs her breast)
# “AUSTIN:” You just want to follow HER. Your thinking with your DICK … they seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick’s not so dumb.
“EMMETT:” It got me through high school. speaker (36 K partial .wav)
# “EMMETT:” My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won’t put out for you. speaker (63 K .wav)
# “RUSSIAN INTERROGATOR:” Why are you here?
“EMMETT:” Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said .. how do you spell spell Sartre?
(soldier slaps him)
“EMMETT:” Owww… and let that be a lesson to you.
# “RUSSIAN INTERROGATOR:” Every minute you don’t tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
“EMMETT:” Mine or yours?
“RUSSIAN INTERROGATOR:” Yours!
“EMMETT:” Damn! speaker (89 K .wav)
# “KAREN BOYER:” Gentlemen I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. my partner … is now forever entombed in a snowy grave and it’s not going to be for nothing! We are here today to guarantee the personal freedom of every American and we should never forget the words of President John F. Kennedy, who said ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’.
“EMMETT:” Will you marry me? speaker (230 K partial .wav)
# “EMMETT:” What is she saying?
“AUSTIN:” Hair? Hair brush? Head dress?
“EMMETT:” Jesus, where did you learn your Russian, JC Penney?
# “AUSTIN’S BOSS:” Done!? That was a static filled, triple scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese.
“AUSTIN:” Well, the Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically grouped twenty square digit key transposed in boostermenotic form of multiple nulls. .. I broke it with this.
“AUSTIN’S BOSS:” A drogens decoder ring, they put these things into cerial boxes for kids.
“AUSTIN:” Yeah, I found it in a box of uh .. Lucky Charms. speaker (253 K .wav)
# “AUSTIN:” I was going to do your family a favor and hook up the Disney Channel .. for FREE. Well forget it. speaker (67 K .wav)
# “EMMETT:” Did you here that?
“AUSTIN:” Yeah, it’s a dickfer.
“EMMETT:” What’s a dickfer?
“AUSTIN:” To pee with. speaker (70 K .wav)
# (after askng Colonle Rombus to go home)
“EMMETT:” What did he mean by that?
“AUSTIN:” It means we’re OIO.
“EMMETT:” What’s that?
“AUSTIN:” Obligated involuntary officers.
# (in Jeep with KGB agents)
“AUSTIN:” Hey listen, can we stop? … I gotta take a leak. (to Emmett) You should go too.
“EMMETT:” What are you my mother? Don’t you think I’m capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
“AUSTIN:” So, isn’t NOW one of those times?
“AUSTIN:” You mean you don’t feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, NOW, RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT?
“EMMETT:” No, I’m fine.
“AUSTIN:” Well, wouldn’t you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up IMMEDIATELY NOW?
“EMMETT:” I gotta take a whiz? speaker (324 K .wav)
# “DOCTOR 1:” Doctor, isn’t that incision a bit high for an appendix?
“AUSTIN:” Do you want to do the operation?! Fine! You come on up here and YOU do it!
“DOCTOR 2:” Imhaus.
“DOCTOR 1:” He was cutting into his chest.
“AUSTIN:” Did you see me cut into his chest? Did I cut his chest? I was probing to determine muscle tone and skeletal girth. It is a new technique. We mock what we don’t understand! speaker (243 K .wav)
# “AUSTIN:” That missile is tipped with a with a 40 mega-ton fission-fusion nuclear warhead. … For once I’m completely in agreement with my partner. I’m not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off of your house and give your family a permanent orange afro. speaker (50 K partial .wav)
# “AUSTIN:” Hard to believe it’s only been 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. … And to think my high school guidance counselor said I would never amount to anything.
# “COLONEL ROMBUS:” This is the obstacle course. It is essentially the course familiar to armed service recruits, except that here at intelligence operative training, we do it a bit differently. We add the element of scorched earth. (bombs explode everywhere – Emmett and Austin duck behind Rombus)
# (Emmett and Austin with rope tied around their wrists)
“COLONEL ROMBUS:” This will verify your ability to stay afloat at high speeds.
# “COLONEL ROMBUS:” We will now begin with AFPSR. Air Force Passive Strain Response. You will not be required to exert yourself at all, only to survive aggravated body temperature measurement. (Emmett and Austin are doused with flamethrowers)
# “COLONEL ROMBUS:” We will now determine your g-force threshold. Just relax gentlemen.
# “EMMETT:” Uh Colonel, we were just talking and … we’d like to go home now. …
“COLONEL ROMBUS:” Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now. speaker (32 K partial .wav)
# “COLONEL ROMBUS:” Gentlemen begin radical vertical impact simulation, NOW. (Emmett and Austin wave from a plane)
* (golf ball enters tent in Pakistan)
“BOB HOPE:” Mind if I play through? Doctor. Doctor. Glad I’m not sick.
* “SOLDIER:” General Slime, sir … it’s a collect call from Pakistan for Mr. Ruby. A Mr. Fitz-Hume. … They said their contacts tried to kill them and they don’t know what they should do.
“RUBY:” And they told you this over a PUBLIC phone?
“SOLDIER:” No sir, the AT&T operator told our operator.