Bob McKenzie Quotes
* “BOB:” Zoom out, eh. Let’s show them how big the screen is, eh. .. Like normally we just have Great White North, eh, but look we got .. what’s that over there?
“DOUG:” Ok, like England, Ireland and France, eh.
“BOB:” He’s a genious. He knows the islands.
* “BOB:” This movie was shot in 3B, three beers and it looks good, eh?
* “BOB:” There wasn’t much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked. So’s I spent most of my time looking for beer.
* (after they poor the dog, Hosehead, the last beer)
“FATHER:” Save one of those beers for me, eh!
“BOB:” He’s guarding the beer. What are we gonna do?
“DOUG:” Bribe him.
“BOB:” Get him a donut. Jelly, he likes jelly. Jelly donut coming.
* “BOB:” Like, he once got our dead battery goin by mixin’ bird uh feces with uh spit, cause there’s like acids in it, eh.
* “BOB:” Geez, you’re real nice. If I didn’t have puke breath, I’d kiss you.
* “BOB:” That was no goal, ya’ know. They was in the crease!
* “BOB:” Twenty cans ought to be enough, eh? Ok, we’re goin to a party, don’t eat the furniture.
* “PROSECUTOR:” Objection, you can not split pleas like that.
“BOB:” Two bowls of split plea soup to go, eh.
* “BOB:” I do.
“DOUG:” I do.
“BOB:” I guess were married, clerk. Where’s the honeymoon?
“JUDGE:” Order. Order.
“BOB:” Give me a toasted back of bacon, hold the toast.
“JUDGE:” I must instruct you not to speak unless you are spoken to.
“BOB:” Geez, he’s starting to sound like the old man. Pretty soon he’ll be sending me out for beers.
* “BOB:” Geez, two minutes for elbowing!
* “PAM ELSINORE:” Don’t worry about me, Smith. I wrote everything I know in a letter and mailed it to the newspapers.
“BOB:” When did you do that?
* “BOB:” You know people can tell what’s in beer, eh. Like, my brother can tell the difference between beers by what his burps taste like.
* “BOB:” My brother and I used to say that drownin’ in beer was like heaven, eh. Now he’s not here, and I’ve got two soakers… this isn’t heaven, this sucks!
* “BOB:” Geez, I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!
* “BOB:” I would have saved you some, but I had to save everyone’s life, eh.
* “BOB:” Just get me outta here, eh …
(Doug tries grabbing him down by his waist)
“BOB:” Oh. Not there!
“DOUG:” (a little lower) OK, how bout here?
“BOB:” Ooh! That feels GOOD.
* “BOB:” I’d like to thank the Academy .. Academy for this .. for this beer, eh. It’s a beauty. I’ll put it on my mantle and uh, you know, try to keep it cold.
Doug McKenzie Quotes
* “DOUG:” You want to know how to WRECK a movie, eh. Take a jar of months into the theater, eh and let .. and then like uh release them at a point in the movie when you know what’s going to happen, eh and then all of the moths will fly up to the projection booth window and cloud it up and you can demand your money back.
* “DOUG:” You know what we gotta do, eh? .. Ram her from behind. Come on.
“BOB:” Who’s driving?
“DOUG:” You are, in case she sues for whiplash, I don’t know you, I’m just a hitchhiker, eh.
* “DOUG:” Yes, well we made the appointment with the deceased quite some time ago, eh. We’s been away on business.
“SECRETARY:” How long ago was it?
“DOUG:” When did he die?
* “BOB:” You know who that guy is? That’s Jean LaRose, Montreal Canadien rookie of the year two years ago. Doesn’t play hockey no more.
“DOUG:” Take off! He’s a cop and he knows your lying about the mouse in the bottle and he’s gonna arrest you and I’m a witness.
* “DOUG:” You Claude Elsinore?
“DOUG:” Yeah ok, well we found this mouse in a bottle of YOUR beer, eh, and we was at a party and a friend of ours, a cop, had some and HE PUKED and he said come here and get free beer, or uh, he’ll press charges.
* (wearing a black goalies mask)
“DOUG:” (makes deep breathng noise) I am your father, Luke. Give in to the dark side of the force, you knob.
* “DOUG:” The power of the force stopped you, you hosers.
* “DOUG:” Oh, my left nut!
* “DOUG:” Figures you wouldn’t know how to work it, if it’s got a computer.
“BOB:” Oh yeah, Mister Wizard, you know, eh…
“DOUG:” Let me try, I’m a genius.
* “DOUG:” Get his bowl, quick, or he’ll kill us.
* (going down a hill with no brakes)
“DOUG:” No point in steering now.
* “DOUG:” Those big cons are gonna’ love you, eh.
“BOB:” What do ya’ mean?
“DOUG:” Your a cute little guy. There gonna’ be LOVIN’ you from dawn until dusk.
“BOB:” Where are you gonna’ be?
“DOUG:” I’ll be in the cafeteria selling smokes.
* (standing in a police line up)
“INSPECTOR:” (to Pam) Try to pick out the men who kidnapped you.
“DOUG:” That’s her!
* (in jail)
“DOUG:” Chip here, does the killing. I don’t like to kill. I’m the brains, eh. Like, we got over $5 billion in our hide out. Only some of the money’s marked, eh, so we’re not spending it. We’s just waiting.
“BIG PRISONER:” You’s guys like a smoke?
“DOUG:” No, eh! We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us.
* “DOUG:” Hey, we told them we didn’t want a lawyer. Chip here, probably would just kill em anyway. Lawyers are for sucks!
“GUARD:” McKenzie brothers, your lawyer’s here.
(they run out of the cell)
* “LAWYER” It’s the press I’ll handle it. (proceeds to use Karate on the press) That’s how you handle the press. We’re late. Let’s go.
“BOB:” Remind me to pay his bill on time, eh.
“DOUG:” Chuck Norris for the defense, eh.
* (in the electro-shock room)
“BOB:” How’s that?
“DOUG:” Beauty. Take it up to 30 this time.
“BOB:” No way, eh. It’s my turn. …
“DOUG:” Put this in your mouth so you don’t bite your tongue off. … Hey, let’s try the head this time. Beauty. OK. See, if you’d stick to your twelve point maintenance program, eh, then we wouldn’t have to jump start you like this. Oh no, you had to do it your way. You think you KNOW EVERYTHING, eh. OK, here we go. I’m gonna take it up to 90 this time.
* “PSYCH. WORKER:” What are you doing in here?
“DOUG:” Oh, uh, we’re from the Department of Justice and we’re adjusting the beds.
* “DOUG:” (to Hosehead) So, when you get there you can have all the free beer and sausages you can eat.
* “DOUG:” Pam, we’s wondering, eh, like just exactly what is wrong with the beer, eh. Is it poison? Like, could it kill ya’?
“ROSIE:” No. No. No. It’s not a poison. It’s uh, more like a drug. It could wear off in time like it did with me, eh.
“DOUG:” Oh, well we was thinking like since we’re employees of the brewery now, eh, like, perhaps it would be a good idea for us to take like ALL the contaminated beer back to the brewery where it can be PROPERLY disposed of, eh.
* “BOB:” You’re lying! You don’t know how to drive this thing.
“DOUG:” I do so. It’s just a ten speed. That’s five speed times two, eh.
* “BOB:” We’re gonna crash. We’re gonna be in the water again.
“DOUG:” Take off! We are NOT gonna crash, eh. There’s no way I’ll crash this! This is a beer truck, eh!
* “DOUG:” How’d ya’ like it? … I was drinking during the beer, cause I was having such a ..
* “BOB:” Movie review. OK, I thought it was a beauty. What did you think, Doug?
“DOUG:” Well, I thought there were a couple of minor story flaws, but all in all it was a good $5 worth for me and my whole family
* “SMITH:” Shut up! I could crush your head .. like a nut .. but I won’t .. because I need you.
* “CLAUDE ELSINORE:” Oh, no. No. No rough stuff. Now, remember, that was our deal. I mean .. I mean we had a deal. I don’t have the stomach for it.
“BREWMEISTER SMITH:” You stinking hypocrite! You murdered your own brother. You had the stomach for that.
“CLAUDE ELSINORE:” The seconde time. The second time. You murdered him first! He was already dead when I killed him.
* “INSPECTOR:” Sounds like you just picked that out of the dictionary.
“CLAUDE ELSINORE:” No. No. That’s exactly what the doctor told us. I have a photographic memory. … I never forget a thing.
“INSPECTOR:” … My compliments to the many fine things you have in your home. … (referring to a statue) Bonaparte?
“CLAUDE ELSINORE:” Napolean, actually.
“INSPECTOR:” … Who, uh, who chiseled this?
“CLAUDE ELSINORE:” It was some uh, sculptor I think, uh..
* “CLAUDE ELSINORE:” Oh yes, and I’d like to point out that this, uh, this tape has not been tampered with or edited in any way. Uh,It even has a time code on it and those are very difficult to fake.
“JUDGE:” For the benefit of the court, would you please explain, time code.
“CLAUDE ELSINORE:” (looks confused) Just because I don’t know what it is, doesn’t mean I’m lying.
” Fire Chief:”
* “CHIEF:” Ya’ did a fine job, son. What took you two minutes would have taken us two hours. If you ever want a job with the fire department, you come and see me. You got it!
” Jean LaRose:”
* “LOT ATTENDANT:” Hey you, $6.50! Hey you! Let me see your ticket. $6.50.
“JEAN LA ROSE:” (makes two fists) All I got is two fives!
” Pam Elsinore:”
* (standing waist deep in beer – Bob with a funny look on his face)
“PAM:” I think it’s getting warmer in here.
* “PAM:” I can’t believe it. He drank it all.