Dedee Truitt (Christian Ricci): My name is Dedee Truitt. I’m 16 and this is Crabcare, Louisiana which is French, I think, for like “f* ed hard”.
Dedee: My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter’s best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, “Great, not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend’s a loser bitch.”
Dedee: This part where I take the gun is like, duh, important.
Dedee: If you think I’m just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you’re in over your head. I don’t have a heart of gold and I don’t grow one later, OK? But relax. There’s other people a lot nicer coming up — we call them losers.
Woman on TV: This is America, and we’re Christians here…aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way, and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into “man-on-man action,” which is howthey describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it’s very family… [pause] Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to.
Bill: He’s not on your level.
Matt: That’s what Lucia used to say about me.
Bill: Come on Matt, admit it, this thing between you and Jason is just sex.
Matt: Yeah, you know that stuff you breath in there Bill? It’s just oxygen.
Lucia (Lisa Kudrow): Why did he grow that beard? And his posture! He looks like Early Man.
Lucia: Matt, this is not your baby, OK? It’s some other idiot’s baby, probably with an eighth grade education and a trunk full
of Waco pamphlets.
Randy: Wait a minute. It’s not your baby. It’s not his baby?
Dedee: Oh, whose do you think it is, Mr. Who-needs-a-rubber-I’ll-pull-out-in-time?
Lucia: This is how we do things on the Planet Maturia. We have much to teach you.
Randy: I’m just askin’ that you stand by your man, like I’m standin’ next to you! You know, a lot of guys, man, they woulda
said that, “Shucks, man, she took up with them homosexuals. You know, she turned her back on righteousness.”
Dedee: Oh, yeah, but blowing you in the backseat of your car every day after band, that was a stairway to heaven, right?
Dedee: Sex always ends in kids or disease or like, you know, relationships. That’s exactly what I don’t want. I want the opposite of all that.