There’s Something About Mary Quotes

There’s Something About Mary Movie Quotes

Warren: Have you seen my wiener?

[After Mary addresses Ted by name.]
Ted Stroehmann: I couldn’t believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn’t know my name.

[After Mary asks Ted to the prom.]
Ted: From that moment on, the guys at school looked at me in a whole new light.
Ted’s friend: You’re a liar!

{After the “zipper” incident]
Mary’s Step dad: Now exactly what the hell is the situation here? Did you shit yourself or something?
Ted: No, I wish.

Warren (yelling): Frank and beans. Frank and beans.

Mary’s Step dad: Well, how’d the hell d’ya get the beans above the frank?

Cop: What…the hell…were you thinking! How the hell d’ya get the zipper all the way to the top?

Paramedic: We got a bleeder!

Ted’s therapist: You know rest areas are homosexual hangouts.
Ted: hmm?
Ted’s therapist: Highway rest areas, they’re the bath houses of the 90’s for many, many, many, many gay men.

[Spying on Mary.]
Pat Healy: Husband… negative. Children and a Labrador… negative. Tight little package… affirmative.

Pat: Let me ask you something, was Mary a little big boned back in high school?
Ted: Big boned? No, no, not at all, no.
Pat: Then I guess she packed on a few pounds over the years.
Ted: Oh yeah? So, she’s a little…she’s a little chubby?
Pat: Oh, I’d say about a deuce, deuce and a half, not bad.
Ted: Oh my, a deuce and a half huh?
Pat: You know you shit out a bunch of kids you’re bound to put on a few pounds.
Ted: Oh, so she’s married?
Pat: No, no she’s never been, that’s the good news.
Ted: Huh?
Pat: Four kids, three different guys but no rock. Hyperactive little , tough to keep up with in a wheelchair.
Ted: She’s in a wheelchair? Mary’s in a wheelchair?
Pat: I thought that was part of your kick.

Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don’t stink?
Ted Stroehmann: No, I don’t think, I mean, yes it does, no…

Ted: Well, listen I’ve been thinking about what you said and I still want to look her up.
Pat: Who? Roller pig? Are you nuts?
Ted: I thought you said she was a, a real spark plug.
Pat: No, no I said butt plug. She’s heinous.

Dom: Here you’ve been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your [private part] stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Pat: My real passion is my hobby.
Mary: What’s that.
Pat: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn’t that a little politically um incorrect?
Path Well, the hell with that. No one’s gonna tell me who I can and can’t work with right?
Mary: No, I mean…

[Describing the “retards” he works with.]
Pat Healy: Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I’ve got going in this crazy world.

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted Stroehmann: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the exercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah well, this is gonna blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7…Minute… Abs.
Ted Stroehmann: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you’re going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin’ there, there’s 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted Stroehmann: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted Stroehmann: You guarantee it? That’s — how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you’re not happy with the first 7 minutes, we’re gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That’s it. That’s our motto. That’s where we’re comin’ from. That’s from “A” to “B”.
Ted Stroehmann: That’s right. That’s — that’s good. That’s good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you’re in trouble, huh?
[Hitchhiker convulses]
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody’s comin’ up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won’t even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted Stroehmann: That — good point.
Hitchhiker: 7’s the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that’s the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin’ on a branch, eatin’ lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea. It’s like you’re dreamin’ about Gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted Stroehmann: Why?
Hitchhiker: ‘Cause you’re fuc kin’ fired!

Hitchhiker: Your car seats are making me itchy, man. What are they made out of, cactus?

[After beating the “retards” at football]
Pat: Exceptional my ass.

Ted: What about Brett Fav… ruh?

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