Elaine Benes Quotes

* “ELAINE:” Get out!

* (talking about their relationship)
“JERRY:” I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?
“ELAINE:” Thirty-seven.

* “ELAINE:” Y’know I can think of at least six known offensive odours that I would rather smell than what’s livin’ in your car.
“JERRY:” What about skunk?
“ELAINE:” I don’t mind skunk.
“JERRY:” Horse manure?
“ELAINE:” I loooove horse manure. speaker (65 K .wav)

* (to the virgin)
“ELAINE:” I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it’s just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn’t? Yeah, like it’s a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you’re gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh. (talking to Jerry’s virgin girlfriend)

* “JERRY:” Oh, you’re not kiddin’. Who’d ‘ve figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
“ELAINE:” Yeah, since she met him she’s been vomitted on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

* “JERRY:” I hate rental cars. Nothin’ ever works: the window doesn’t work, the radio doesn’t work… and it smells like a cheap hooker… (pause) Or is that you?
“ELAINE:” Gimme ten bucks and find out…

* “ELAINE:” Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

* “ELAINE:” Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall… lanky… doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

* (the bris episode)
“ELAINE:” Have you ever seen one?
“JERRY:” You mean that wasn’t –
“ELAINE:” Yeah.
“JERRY:” What’d you think?
“ELAINE:” (shakes her head and makes a face) No…
“JERRY:” Not good?
“ELAINE:” No, had no face, no personality, very dull. It was like a martian. But hey, that’s me.

Cheers

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* “KRAMER:” You should call this off, Elaine. It’s a barbaric ritual (the bris).
“ELAINE:” Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped. Until then, off with their heads.

* “ELAINE:” (to George) Rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? You need a boost to climb into your bed.

* “ELAINE:” Well I don’t need much, just 3 squares will do it.
“JANE:” I’m sorry I don’t have a square to spare, now if you don’t mind.
“ELAINE:” Three squares? You can’t spare three squares??
“JANE:” no I don’t have a square to spare, I can’t spare a square.
“ELAINE:” Oh is it two-ply? cause it it’s two-ply I’ll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I’ll take one measly ply….

* “ELAINE:” I was begging her … “please! please!” she was insane

* (the bathroom at Monks)
“ELAINE:” Something.. wrong?
“JANE:” Yeah there’s no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would you mind?
“ELAINE:” I can’t, I don’t have it, I don’t have a square to spare, I can’t spare a square.
“JANE:” Wait a minute, I know you.
“ELAINE:” That’s right honey, and I know you!
(Elaine runs out with her arms full of toilet paper)

* “ELAINE:” (to Tony the mimbo) So huh, what did the doctors say? … Yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like uh … long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that.
“TONY:” I really don’t remember ….
“ELAINE:” Huh,but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do you recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?

* “JERRY:” (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
“ELAINE:” What?
“JERRY:” Jane’s topless. (They all look)
“KRAMER:” Yo yo ma.
“JERRY:” Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
“ELAINE:” Nice rack.

* “ELAINE:” It shrinks?
“JERRY:” Like a frightened turtle!
“ELAINE:” Why does it shrink?
“GEORGE:” It just does.
“ELAINE:” I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

* “ELAINE:” Do you know what’s going on here? Can’t you see what’s happened? I’ve become George.
“JERRY:” Don’t say that.
“ELAINE:” It’s true. I’m George! I’m George! speaker (53 K .wav)

* “JERRY:” I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t see you with a mechanic.
“ELAINE:” Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their big, muscular arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.

* “JERRY:” Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately?
“ELAINE:” No. In what way?
“JERRY:” I don�t know. A lot of attitude, like he�s better than me, or something.
“ELAINE:” I don�t think George has ever thought he�s better than anybody.

* “ELAINE:” Listen, George, I am quite certain I�m walking out of there with a bowl of soup.

* “ELAINE:” Hi there. Um, uh — (drumming on countertop) Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um…. What is that right there? Is that lima bean?
“SOUP NAZI:” Yes.
“ELAINE:” Never been a big fan. (coughs) Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent Of A Woman. Who-ah! Who-ah!
“SOUP NAZI:” Very good. Very good.
“ELAINE:” Well, I —
“SOUP NAZI:” You know something?
“ELAINE:” Hmmm?
“SOUP NAZI:” No soup for you!
“ELAINE:” What?
“SOUP NAZI:” Come back one year! Next!

* “ELAINE:” So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?
“JERRY:” It was a bisque.
“ELAINE:” Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.

* “ELAINE:” Yeah, that�s right. I got �em all. Cold cucumber, corn and cran chowder, mulligatawny.
“SOUP NAZI:” Mulliga…tawny?
“ELAINE:” You�re through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!

* “JERRY:” Well, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.
“KRAMER:” Yeah, but then I’d have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the middle of the day??
“ELAINE:” Does that conflict with your regular schedule?

* “JERRY:” How ya doin’?
“ELAINE:” Not good. I’m a moron.
“JERRY:” Well, don’t worry about it. Once he passes the test, you’ll have sex again, and you’ll be fine.
“ELAINE:” Well, that kinda brings us to why I’m here. You got eleven minutes? … I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.
“JERRY:” I think it has something to do with me.
“ELAINE:” You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.
“JERRY:” (thinks about it for a second) No, no, no. I’m sorry, it’s too weird.
“ELAINE:” Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?

* “ELAINE:” Congratulations! You passed!
“BEN:” Elaine, Elaine. I don’t think we should see each other anymore. … I’m sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That’s the dream of becoming a doctor.
“ELAINE:” Look it, are we going to have sex, or not?

* “ELAINE:” (Raising hand) I’ve yada yada’d sex. … Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
“JERRY:” But you yada yada’d over the best part.
“ELAINE:” No, I mentioned the bisque.

* “JERRY:” Tongue?
“ELAINE:” Yeah.
“GEORGE:” Wow! I didn’t try that ’til I was 23.
“JERRY:” Well this kid’s not just a man. He’s a man’s man.
“ELAINE:” And I think he’s been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs.

* “ELAINE:” I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early… 20’s.
“ADAM:” But I’m a man. The rabbi said so.
“ELAINE:” No. You are not a man. It takes a long time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren’t even there yet.

* “ELAINE:” (gasps) A Caddilac. Wow. (seductively) I had no idea you had this kind o’ money. … I just didn’t think you were in this kind of you know uh… position … So when are you getting back from Florida?
“JERRY:” Oh, I don’t know. Play it by ear. Why?
“ELAINE:” Oh, I don’t know. Things just seem a little more exciting when your around. That’s all.
(later Elaine turns to find Jerry counting a huge wad of $$ – Elaine starts to get woozie looking at the $$ – Jerry loses count)
“ELAINE:” $850 … So uh.. How you getting to the airport? You need a ride? … You sure .. You sure cause ya’ know…

* “ELAINE:” I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!

* “JERRY:” Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?
“ELAINE:” You know, I often wonder what you’ll be like when you’re senile.
“JERRY:” I’m looking forward to it.
“ELAINE:” Yeah, I think it’ll be a very smooth transition for you.”

* “JERRY:” I don’t know why you’re interested in this guy. He’s a jerk.
“ELAINE:” Because he doesn’t pay any attention to me, and he ignores me.”
“JERRY:” Yeah, so?
“ELAINE:” I respect that.

* “ELAINE:” Wrong side?
“JERRY:” Yes, she was on his right side. He can’t make a move with his left hand. Can’t go left.
“ELAINE:” He can’t go left?
“JERRY:” No. I’m lefty, can’t go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?
“ELAINE:” No, we just play defense.

* “ELAINE:” (to Jerry) Sometimes when I think you’re the shallowest man I’ve ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

* “ELAINE:” Being a woman, I only really have access to the equipment, what, 30-45 minutes a week, and that’s on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment and have access to it 24 hours a day their entire lives? (about trying to convert a gay man)

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