* (Jerry’s girlfriend walks in on George as he is changing)
“RACHEL:” (She screams) Oh my God! I’m sorry, I thought this was the baby’s room. (she looks down) I’m really sorry. (She exits)
“GEORGE:” I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
* “GEORGE:” Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold…
“JERRY” Oh… You mean… shrinkage.
“GEORGE:” Yes. Significant shrinkage!
“JERRY” So you feel you were short changed.
“GEORGE:” Yes! I mean, if she thinks that’s me she’s under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
“GEORGE:” I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it should be, and more!
* “JERRY:” Interesting. She doesn’t care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine’s made you the bad boy, and Anna digs the bad boy.
“GEORGE:” I’m the bad boy. I’ve never been the bad boy.
* “GEORGE:” Well, I’m the good boy again. Can you believe that? … Anna actually has respect for me now. It’s all over.
* (in George’s parents car)
“GEORGE:” Did you say dangerous? …. I’m a bootlegger.
“ANNA:” You’re a what?
“GEORGE:” I’m bootleggin’ a movie, baby!
“ANNA:” Isn’t that illegal?
“GEORGE:” I can do hard time for this one. And community service!
“ANNA:” Is this your FiberCon?
“GEORGE:” (Takes it and throws it out window) Get outta my way!
* (Police station)
“ANNA:” (George is crying) It’s all right, George. You’ll just pay a fine and that’ll be it.
“GEORGE:” Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that?
* “JERRY:” That’s a date?
“GEORGE:” What’s the difference? You know the way I work, I’m like a commercial jingle. First it’s a little irritatiing, then you hear it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it’s “By Mennen!”.
* “LOUISE:” George, I can’t have sex.
“GEORGE:” With me or in general?
“LOUISE:” I went to the doctor today. I have mono.
“LOUISE:” Oh I hope it’s not a problem for you.
“GEORGE:” No, no, pff… How LONG is this not gonna be a problem for me?
* “GEORGE:” It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night.
“JERRY:” So you’re enjoying the not enjoying.
“GEORGE:” You know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person.
* “GEORGE:” What is Pericles?
“ALEX TREBEK:” Pericles is correct.
“GEORGE:” What is Borax?
“ALEX TREBEK:” Yes, you’re right.
“GEORGE:” What is Tungsten or Wolfram?
“ALEX TREBEK:” We were looking for ‘What is Tungsten, or Wolfram’.
“JERRY:” Is this a repeat?
“GEORGE:” No, no, no. Just lately, I’ve been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (to television) what is chicken kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
“JERRY:” Louise! That’s what’s doin’ it. You’re no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.
“GEORGE:” You think?
* “GEORGE:” Of course. Absolute zero!
“ELAINE:” What? What is with all these books?
“GEORGE:” I stopped having sex.
* “GEORGE:” Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It’s simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in realtion to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It’s not complicated.
“DEREK JETER:” Now who are you again?
“GEORGE:” George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
“BERNIE WILLIAMS:” Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
“GEORGE:” Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
“DEREK JETER:” We won the World Series.
“GEORGE:” In six games.
* “JERRY:” So you’re never gonna have sex again?
“GEORGE:” Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.
* “JERRY:” Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
“GEORGE:” What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.
“JERRY:” Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!
“GEORGE:” No, the Portuguese waitress.
“JERRY:” The Portuguese waitress?
“GEORGE:” I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.
* “JERRY:” Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
“GEORGE:” You’re right. Why must there always be a problem? You’d think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!
* “GEORGE:” (on telephone) No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, ’cause I have the high score. H-hello?
* “GEORGE:” Kramer, listen to me. I’m never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that’s it for me.
* “GEORGE:” There’s no laws in this place. Anything goes. It’s Thunderdome!
* “GEORGE:” Do you know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?
* “GEORGE:” Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That’s a fantasy camp!
* “GEORGE:” It’s not you, it’s me…. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
Alright, George, it’s you.
“GEORGE:” You’re damn right it’s me.
* “GEORGE:” My whole life is a lie.
* “GEORGE:” This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.
* “GEORGE:” I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.
* “GEORGE:” I’m better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
“JERRY:” Maybe you should date the mothers.
“GEORGE:” If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I’d really have something going.
* “GEORGE:” I feel like my old self again… Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic… It’s a pleasure.
* “GEORGE:” Just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
* (the finale)
“ELAINE:” Oh, my god! We’re going down! We’re gonna die!
“GEORGE:” Aah! Just when I was doing great! I told you god wouldn’t let me be successful!
“GEORGE:” There’s something I have to tell you!
“GEORGE:” The contest! I cheated!
“GEORGE:” Because I’m a cheater!
* (the finale)
“JERRY:” I say we go back to New York and take a regular flight.
“GEORGE:” … First class doesn’t make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened, and tell him to get another plane down here. But this time, the good one! The Ted Danson plane!
* (during the trial as the NBC execs walk in)
“GEORGE:” Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk! You know, you almost got us killed!