George: I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.
George: I don’t want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you’re hopeless you don’t care. And when you don’t care, that indifference makes you attractive.
Jerry: So, hopelessness is the key?
George: It’s my only hope.
Elaine: Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That’s because my standards are too low.
George: I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is important to me.
Jerry: Everything was going so well. She hadn’t seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.
George: What side?
Jerry: A bad side, an ugly side.
George: Oh, so what?
Jerry: So what? I wasn’t planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you made me throw off the whole learning curve.
Jerry (making fun of George’s glasses): I don’t know what to tell ya, Elton.
Kramer (making fun of George’s glasses): May I have one of those, madam?
Jerry: You scared me!
Kramer: It’s just me.
Jerry: That’s enough!
Punk: Hey Kramer, have you ever killed a man?!
Kramer: What do you think Junior? You think these hands – they’ve been soaking in Ivory Liquid?
George: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I’m not doing anything. If I watch it here, I’m out of the house; I’m doing something.
Kramer (describing the how the new wood wallpaper changes his apartment): It’s like a ski lodge…
Jerry: Are you Master of your Domain?
George: I am King of the County. You?
Jerry: Lord of the Manor.
Elaine: I’m Queen of the castle!
George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I’m pretty much like you — only successful.
George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I’m no good!
George’s Mother: Every day it’s something else with you. I don’t know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you’re doing? Maybe you’re making porno films.
George: Yeah. I’m Buck Naked.
Elaine (to George, as she pulls his head to her chest): You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? Here’s your Christmas card!!!
Elaine: What am I…hard of smelling?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the “O” usually stays with the “B”. Once the “B” leaves, the “O” goes with it.
George: Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now…it’s like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would’ve broken up with her.
George (speaking of Kramer): Amazing! I drive them to lesbianism, and he brings ’em back!
Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel.
Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.
Jerry: C’mon, there will be people to mock.
George: I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they’re thinking, ‘that’s why I’m not a heterosexual.’
Elaine: I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!
George (to Jerry): Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes when I’m in the tub…
Cheryl: That’s so sad. What do you do?
Jerry: I’m a comedian.
George: Nobody is sicker than me.
George: It’s not a lie if you believe.
Kramer: Just because big Jerry’s a has-been doesn’t make little Jerry a never-was.
George: Oh yeah, well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you.
Elaine: Oh yeah, well your cranium called, they said there’s space to rent.
Elaine/Jerry: Gotta love the drake!
Newman: I’m a little insulted!
Jerry: You’re not a little anything Newman.
Elaine: What am I, a hooker?
Kramer: I’m Cosmo Kramer, the assman.
Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!
George: My father had a car salesman buddy, he was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, I’m getting dropped off in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shouting at me, “Hey, Le George”, “bonjour Le George”, “Let’s stuff Le George in Le locker.”
Car salesman: Well, where are we going?
Kramer: Just a little place I like to call, “you’ll see”.
[after Elaine interrupts their hi-five]
Puddy (to Jerry): You owe me five.
George: Well, I guess everyone here enjoys giving the ol’ screwgie.
[George lying face down on the floor reaching under the vending machine]
Jerry: I think the candy comes out over there.
George: People drop change down here, Jerry, and they’re too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that or they’ve got a weird little hang-up about lying face down in filth!
Puddy: Hi-five, on the flip side.
No, that’s not karma, that’s Krama.
Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman?
Jerry: So, um, do you date immature men?
Jerry: Why do I get bananas? They’re good for *one* day…
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. You get a sense and then look away.
George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That’s a fantasy camp!
George: I happen to dress based on mood.
Jerry: But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
George: Seemingly, but within that basic framework there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what mood is this?
George: This is morning mist.
George: That’s one tuck, one no-tuck.
George: I like to be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them.
George: If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They’d have huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
George: Looking for the quotes. Gotta check the quotes. Love a good quote.
George: Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
Jerry: I’ve never had stitches! I’ll be deformed. I can’t live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It’s just not me!
George: It’s not you, it’s me…. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
Gwen: all right, George, it’s you.
George: You’re damn right it’s me.
Jerry: What’s the matter?
Elaine: I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork.
Jerry: Boy, it’s hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that.
Jerry: I haven’t vomited in 13 years.
George: Conformity’s an obsession with me.
George: To cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it make you sound casual.
Jerry: Yeah, like a farm boy.
George: Women don’t want to see need. They want a take-charge guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar.
George: Why is what I do so important? Why must I always be the focal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live.
Kramer (to Jerry): You know who you are? Even Steven.
George; Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric… What kind of name is that for a clown?
George: I can’t carry a pen. I’m afraid I’ll puncture my scrotum.
Kramer: Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back.
Jerry: Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?
Kramer: C’mon, and I’ll rub some on you.
Jerry: That’s not sweetening the deal.
Jerry: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, ‘What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.’
George: No no no no no. It was not trash.
Jerry: Was it in the trash?”
Jerry: Then it was trash.
George: It wasn’t down in. It was sort of on top.
Jerry: But it was in the cylinder.
George: Above the rim.
Jerry: Adjacent to refuse is… refuse.
George: I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.
[Answering a telemarketer’s phone call.]
Jerry: I’m sorry, I’m a little tied up now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later… Oh, you don’t like being called at home? Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up]
Jerry: I don’t understand. Do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Assistant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here, that’s why you have the reservation!
Car Rental Assistant: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don’t think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don’t know how to *hold* the reservation. And that’s really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
George: You’re really moving to California?
Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I’m already gone.