Cliff Clavin Quotes from Cheers Quotes
# ” CLIFF:” It’s a little known fact that the tan became popular in what is known as the Bronze Age.
# ” CLIFF: ” It’s a little known fact that smartest animal is a pig. Scientists say if pigs had thumbs and a language, they could be trained to do simple manual labor. They give you 20-30 years of loyal service and then at their retirement dinner you can eat them.
# ” CLIFF:” If you want to keep a woman in your life, nothing beats an old fashioned fake heart attack.
“FRASIER:” I beg your pardon!
” CLIFF: ” She goes for the door, you go for your chest. I mean nobody can walk out on somebody who is having a coronary. It’s fool proof! I learned it from ma.
“FRASIER:” She uses that on you.
” CLIFF: ” Or I use it on her. It depends who is trying to leave.
# “SAM:” No, I dont want to do a jingle. That’s stupid.
” CLIFF:” Sammy is right there, Becks. What you want is a word of mouth campaign. I’d be happy to help. You know, I’ll talk it up down at the old Post Office. Before you know it this place will be wall to wall with letter carriers. You think I’m entertaining .. Multiply me by 100.
“ALL:” JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE!
# ” CLIFF:” Everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army Knife. That’s why no one messes with Switzerland.
# “SAM:” She (Carla) was complaining that she missed out on all that teenage stuff, you know homecoming, proms. What if we do something to take her back to her teen years?
” REBECCA:” Like get her pregnant?
” CLIFF:” Nah. That’s been done to death.
# “FRASIER:” I just happen to have newborn photos of myself and his mother.
” CLIFF: ” Well gee, will you look at this .. three days old and Lilith already had her hair back in a bun.
# “NORM:” Now you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
“CLIFF:” Boy, I guess it’s true what they say, huh? There’s a fine line between gardening and madness.
# “CLIFF:” I’m sorry, was that out loud?
# “CLIFF:” A Freudian slip is saying one thing and meaning a mother.
# “CLIFF:” Curfew? Come on, Norm. I can stay out as long as I want so long as I call by ten.
# “CLIFF:” Yeah, I’d invite you all over to my place, but ma is down in Florida working on her tan. Yeah, she’s got this standing rule that if she’s not around, I’m not allowed to bring any more than two friends over at a time.
# “CLIFF:” You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Bonanza dubbed in French-Canadian.
# “NORM:” Afternoon, everybody.
“”CLIFF:”” Afternoon, everybody.
# “CLIFF:” Yeah, well look, on the face of it, this is all primafacious, noncorpus interruptus anyhow.
# “CLIFF:” (On the phone) Hello, Gar? Yeah, Cliff Clavin over here at Cheers…Heyyy, that’s Mr. Weenie to you pal!
# “SAM:” Wait.. Wait.. Wait.. Let’s not turn this into mob rule here. Just a couple of guys go over and talk to him first. Come on.
“CLIFF:” All all right Sam I think you better take me because uh they gotta be intimidated by the authority of my uniform.
# “CARLA:” I’d like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.
“CLIFF:” Why don’t ya’ marry him.
# “CLIFF:” Carla, come on. That’s not Wade Boggs. Wad Boggs is a big strapping lad, like myself.
# “REBECCA:” I like the idea of positive reinforcement in the workplace so I’m going to give it a shot.
“CARLA:” Man you’ve got to be a real moron to buy that load of crap.
“REBECCA:” Way to speak out Carla! … Ooh, Way to poor that beer Woody!… Way to run up that tab Norm!.. Way to… uh…
“CLIFF:” I got a new hair cut.
“CLIFF:” My uh thumb nail grew back.
“REBECCA:” No.. but just give me a little time…
“CLIFF:” I .. I think I got it. No…. everybody’s got a pulse.
# “CLIFF:” They did a study between postal workers and chimpanzees. They proved chimps were 32 percent slower. Of course, they were better with public relations.
# “NORM:” Well, I have to say those mechanical bulls are like the most useless thing ever put in a bar.
“CLIFF:” Now. Now. Norm.
“NORM:” OK. Present company excepted.
“CLIFF:” Thank you, Norm.
# “CLIFF:” You just hold on there right now, Carla. I for one have a very good reason for not uh riding on that bull.
“NORM:” Right. He’s afraid his keys are gonna fly out of his pocket.
“CLIFF:” Yeah, well you guys can go ahead and make fun and all, but ya’ get on that thing your keys fly out of your pocket hits ya’ in the eye. You’ll never enjoy a viewmaster again I tell ya’!
# (Norm sits down after he has been pretending to be gay to get decorating jobs)
“NORM:” How bout them Celtics, hmm? …. What? What? What? … What!?
“CLIFF:” Norm, how could you do this to us?
“NORM:” What? Do what?
“CLIFF:” We’re your best friends. I mean I can’t believe that you didn’t feel close enough to share this part of your life with us.
“NORM:” Guys I’m straight! I’m not gay!
“CLIFF:” Oh, who cares about that! You can get stuff at wholesale.
# “NORM:” Sammy I want you to pour a round for the house and put it on my tab.
“CLIFF:” Whoa! Whoa thank you. What’s the occasion there big guy?
“NORM:” I think I got a job.
“CLIFF:” All right everybody, stand back I’ll take care of this. All right Mr., I don’t know what pod you crawled out of, but you’re not welcome in our world! Now go in peace and give us our Normie back!