Simpsons Quotes

Funny The Simpsons Quotes And Sayings
Homer: It’s ok, its ok, I’ll just pull my feet out with my hands.
Homer: Now I’ll just pull my hands out with my head (he sticks his head in the tar and goes under, then he is saved by Bart’s pet elephant, Stampy)
Homer: I’m alive, and it’s all thanks to this feisty feline!
Lisa: A feline is a cat dad.
Homer: Elephant Lisa, it’s an elephant. El-e-phant.

Marge: Homie I can hear you chewing on your pillow, what’s wrong.
Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Marge: So?!
Homer: There’s only two kinds of guys that wear those shirts – gay guys and big fat party animals and Bart doesn’t look like a big fat party animal to me.

Homer: Moe I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See I got this friend named (makes up a name) Joey Joe Joe…Junior…Chabadoo.
Moe: That’s the worst name I ever heard.
(a guy at the other side of the bar runs out crying)
Barney: Joey Joe Joe!

Marge: You awful man, stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I’ll stay away from your son all right…….stay away FOREVER!
Homer: Oh no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait, that’s no good….(walks off, then comes back a second later)
Wait I’ve got a good one now, Marge, say “stay away from my son” again!
Marge: No.
Sideshow Bob: (grimaces)

Skinner is searching the streets, trying to catch Bart skipping school when he finds a piece of gum on the floor.
Skinner: His brand of gum, double mint. Trying to double your fun, eh Bart? Well I’ll double your detention!…..I wish someone was around to hear that.

Bart: Hi, I’d like to buy a copy of Bone Storm. Here’s 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: (sighs) Allow me to summarise the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bone Storm for 99 cents, net profit to me…negative 59 dollars. Oh please take my 59 dollars, I don’t want it, it’s yours. (Bart reaches for the money)
Comic Book Guy: Seeing as we are UN-familiar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point

While at Sideshow Bob and Selma’s wedding, Marge is going around with a camcorder talking to the guests…………..

Marge: Krusty! It’s Krusty the clown! Say something funny Krusty!
Krusty: Oh, ahh, something funny, like a joke. Come on Krusty you can think of one. Oh, ahh, hey I’ve got one. This guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist. Oh, wait, i can’t tell that one. Hey Hey!!

The “Pin Pals” episode. The team is cheering on Otto while he gets ready to take his turn bowling……
Homer/Apu/Moe: You can do it Otto! You can do it Otto!
Apu: Make this spare, I’ll give you free gelato!
Moe: Then back to my place, where I will get you blotto!
Homer: Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!

(Homer, after he does the magazine quiz and finds out he’ll only live to be 42.)
Homer: 42??! I won’t even live to see my children die.

Homer: Lisa , if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t. It’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such

Homer is driving in his car with Ned, and sticks his head out the window……
Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders, and he is my friend!
(Lenny and Carl walk by)
Lenny: What’d he say?
Carl: I dunno’. Somethin’ about being gay.

Comic book guy: Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote-unquote ultimate belt.
Salesman: I see, do you have a receipt, quote-unquote sir?
Comic book guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium size belt.
Salesman: Whoa, whoa, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies.
Comic book guy: Hey, I, uh, de-oh………….
Salesman: Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.
Bart: I’ll give you four bucks for it.
Comic book guy: (sighs) Very well. I must hurry back to my Comic Book Store where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Lisa: Dad there’s a badger in the dog house!
Homer: Badger my ass, it’s probably Milhouse! (Homer looks in and the badger starts eating away at him)
Homer: It’s a badger alright! Look what it did. (Lifts up his shirt revealing his internal organs)
Lisa: How did it rip a hole in you without ripping your shirt?
Homer: I dunno, what am I, a tailor?

Homer and Bart are walking through Springfield airport

Religious Rallying Type Person 1: Christian Conscious awareness
Homer: (pointing) This Bart, is a Crazy man.
Religious Rallying Type Person 2: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Homer: (sarcastically) Sure, that’ll work…
Movementarian: A new and better life awaits you on our distant planet Blisstonia.
Homer: (nods) Humm, makes sense.

Homer: We monorail conductors are a crazy breed, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts…Am I turning you on Marge?
Marge: No
Homer: What if I undo this top button?
Marge: Good night Homer. (turns the light off)
Homer: (in a deep voice) What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you?
(singing) I gave my love a chicken, it had no bones…Mmmmmm chicken.

Robotic Smokey the bear: Only who can stop forest fires?
(Bart has the choice between the buttons “me” and “you” so he presses “you.”)
Robotic Smokey the bear: You pressed “you” refering to me, that is incorrect. The correct answer is you!
(Bart gets frustrated and kicks Smokey the bear)

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.

Homer: One of our kids is lousy, and the other one is good, why can’t they both be good?
Marge: Homer, we have three kids.
Homer: Marge…the dog doesn’t count as a kid…
Marge: Maggie.
Homer: Oh, yeah.

Hutz: Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snider.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I…kinda’ ran over his dog.
Marge: Oh dear…
Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with repeatedly and “dog” with son…

Lisa: DAAADD! You can’t just leave us, we need a babysitter.
Homer: Lisa, haven’t you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it’ll be a hilarious situation.

Chief Wiggum: Okay, folks, show’s over. Nothing to see here, shows…Oh my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around! Don’t be shy, crowd around!

Homer’s to do list in the episode when they tell him he will be dead in 24 hours.
1. Make list
2. Eat a hearty breakfast
3. Make videotape for Maggie
4. Have man-to-man with Bart
5. Listen to Lisa play her sax
6. Make funeral arrangement
7. Make peace with dad
8. Beer with the boys at the bar
9. Tell off the boss
10. Go hang gliding
11. Plant a tree
12. A final dinner with my beloved family
13. Be intamit wih Marge

Fireman: Homer, this is never an easy thing to say. I’m afraid we’re going to have to cut your arms off.
Homer: They’ll grow back won’t they?
Fireman: Uhhh, yeah.

Homer: Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
Woman: What was her problem?

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is the cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer??

Lenny & Carl make it to the top of the meeting spot first beating the rest of the employees

Lenny: Hey! We made it up here first! thanks to teamwork!
Carl: Yeah, my teamwork!

After Nelson and Lisa kiss…

Dolf: Oh man, you kissed a girl!
Jimbo: That is so gay!

Akira: We learn Karate, so that we need never use it.
Bart: Um, excuse me sir. I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchucks?

Homer: Aww! What are we going to do with ten thousand angel ashtrays?!
Bart: I could take up smoking?
Homer: You damn well better.

Homer: This is the last bar in town…If I don’t get in here I may have to give up drinking.
Homer’s Liver: Yay!
Homer: Shut up liver (punches his liver) Oww…my liver hurts. position:absol

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