* “JERRY:” Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one.
* “JERRY:” I remember that it’s a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (talking about sex)
* “GEORGE:” C’mon, go along…
“JERRY:” I’m not goin’ along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me: “C’mon Jerry, go along, go along…”
* “JERRY:” “Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time companion seem to be inseperable…” Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That’s going to be in every paper! I’ve been ‘outed’! I wasn’t even ‘in’!
* “JERRY:” “Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple–” I told you that pear was washed!
* “SHARON:” Oh, can you ever forgive me?
“JERRY:” I dunno… (they kiss again) Alright, I forgive you…
“SHARON:” Y’know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.
“JERRY:” I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.
* “JERRY:” How about the doggie bag on a date? That’s a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell you something: if you’re a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You’re not going to be needing those for awhile, either.
* “GEORGE:” No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
“JERRY:” Oh… No, that’s ridiculous.
“GEORGE:” What if her experience with me drove her to it?
“JERRY:” Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.
* “JERRY:” You don’t understand what I’m up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I’ll take anything I can get for it.
“GEORGE:” Maybe I’ll buy it.
“JERRY:” Are you crazy? Don’t you understand what I’m saying to you? This is not just an odour– you need a priest to get rid of this thing!
* “ELAINE:” I still smell!
“JERRY:” You see! You see what I’m saying to you? It’s a presence! It’s the beast!
* “GEORGE:” Wait, wait. Here me out. Don’t dismiss this. You’re very quick to dismiss. Don’t dismiss. She’s got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman.
“JERRY:” This is your plan?
“GEORGE:” No, no. I’m just thinking.
“JERRY:” I don’t think you are.
* “JERRY:” What else did you say to her (the virgin)?
“ELAINE:” Nothin’. I was just givin’ her the straight dope.
“JERRY: ” More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she’ll wind up in a convent.
* “TIA:” (model sitting next to Jerry on the plane) Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.
“JERRY:” Wow! Coming out of the shower… It’s a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up…
* “TIA:” This is the best sundae I’ve ever had.
“JERRY:” Oh, man. You know what… they got the fudge on the bottom– y’see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you’re eatin’ your ice cream.
“TIA:” I’ve never met a man who knew so much about nothing.
“JERRY:” Thank you…
* “KRAMER:” How �bout if I put a few things —
“JERRY:” Wait a sec. I don�t wanna do —
“KRAMER:” Well, you�re going over there.
“JERRY:” I don�t wanna mix in everything! My guys don�t know your guys. You can�t just lock �em all in the same (washing) machine together. They�ll start a riot.
* “KRAMER:” Come on. What�s the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.
“JERRY:” And what�s gonna happen?
“KRAMER:” Well, it�ll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it�ll be a solid block!
“JERRY:” If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You�re like Lex Luthor.
* “JERRY:” You joined the Polar Bears?!
“GEORGE:” What the Hell is a “Polar Bear”?
“KRAMER:” Well, it’s these people– they go swimmin’ in the winter. They’re teriffic, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It’s invigorating….
“JERRY:” Yeah… So’s shock therapy.
* “GEORGE:” There’s gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
“JERRY:” Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I’m on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
* “GEORGE:” What kind of a person are you?
“JERRY:” I think I’m pretty much like you– only successful.
* “JERRY:”Hello, Newman…
* “GEORGE:” You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
“JERRY:”Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone’s squeezing and smelling… It just happened.
* “JERRY:” I dunno. I can’t ask her now; I’ve already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can’t ask her her name.
* “JERRY:” Into the patient, literally!
“GEORGE:” Into the hole?
“JERRY:” Yes, the hole!
“GEORGE:” … How could they not notice it?!?
“JERRY:” Because it’s a little mint. It’s a Junior Mint.
* “WOMAN:” You don’t know my name, do you?
“JERRY:” Yes I do.
“WOMAN:” What is it?
“JERRY:” It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.
“WOMAN:” What is it?
(She gets up to leave)
“JERRY:” Gipple? …. Loleola? …. Oh! Oh! Delores!
* “JERRY:” Believe me, there’d be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No matter what the deformity you’ll find some group of perverts attracted to it. “Oo that little tail turns me on.”
* “JERRY:” That damn Mohel – he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised my finger!
* “JERRY:” It’s different for a man.
“JERRY:” We’re expected to be superficial.
“ELAINE:” I’m not being superficial.
“JERRY:” Elaine, he’s a.. he’s a male bimbo …. he’s a mimbo.
* “GEORGE:” I’m working on my Jack Nicholson, You can’t handle the truth!(he salutes)
“ELAINE:” (A little later in the scene) Hey Jerry, you’re in the Alumni magazine! Listen to this: Jerry Seinfled has appeared on “David Letterman” and the “Tonight Show” and he did a pilot for NBC called “Jerry”…that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn’t there anything about you in here?
“JERRY:” He can’t handle the truth!
* “ELAINE:” Why are you so interested, you want to take her out?
“JERRY:” You know when Super Man saves someone no one asks if he’s trying to hit on her!
* “GEORGE:” Well, how good a look did you get? (talking about topless Jane)
“JERRY:” Well what’d you mean?
“GEORGE:” Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist…
“JERRY:” They’d pick her up in about ten minutes.
* “JERRY:” The New York Yankees?!
“GEORGE:” The New York Yankees!
“JERRY:” Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle … Costanza?
* “JERRY:” No! He stole my move!
“ELAINE:” Yeah, but…I like the move.
“JERRY:” Yeah, but it’s like another comedian stealing my material.
“ELAINE:” Well, he doesn’t even do it exactly the same. He–he–he uses a pinch at the end instead of the swirl!
“JERRY:” Oh, yeah. The pinch. I’ve done the pinch. That’s not new. Besides which, I don’t know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole repertoire could be lifted.
“ELAINE:” You know, it’s strange, because he’s such an honest mechanic.
“JERRY:” I know, he’s probably the only honest mechanic in New York.
* “JERRY:” Are you kidding? He can do every move I’ve ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can’t compare that to sex.
* “GUY:” [indicating a cigarette] Mind?
“JERRY:” No–go ahead–I second-hand smoke two packs a day.
* “JERRY:” You use a water pick?
“ELAINE:” Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, listerine…
“JERRY:” So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what two?
* “JERRY:” Yeah, you know it’s a shame his (George) parents didn’t get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal.
* “ELAINE:” Hey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?
“JERRY:” Have you ever spent any time with these people..?
* “GEORGE:” You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape–I bet you he is mixed up in this! I don’t trust men in capes.
“JERRY:” You can’t cast aspersions on someone just because they’re wearin’ a cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An’ I’ll be damned if I’m gonna stand here an’ let you say something bad about him.
* “JERRY:” Oh, no.
“ELAINE:” What? What?..
“JERRY:” Don’t you see what’s goin’ on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys..
“JERRY:” The only thing between us is a thin layer of gabardine. …. Kramer, say it isn’t so.
* “JERRY:” (Turns back to The pile of underwear that Kramer left on his table)
Well. I’m gonna have to move now.
* “JERRY:” I don’t understand. I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?
“RENTAL ASSISTANT:” Yes we do. Unfortunately we ran out of cars.
“JERRY:” But the reservation keeps the car here, that’s why you have the reservation!
“RENTAL ASSISTANT:” I know why we have reservations.
“JERRY:” I don’t think you do. If you did, I would have a car. You see, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation. And that’s really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them. speaker (367 K .wav)
* “ELAINE:” All right, let’s go, I’ll give you half an hour.
“JERRY:” You’re serious?
“ELAINE:” Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
“JERRY:” Sex to SAVE the friendship! Well if we have to, we have to!
* “JERRY:” Ah, the drunken makeout… an office classic. Did you end up Xeroxing anything?
* “JERRY:” But the thing you don’t realize is that there’s good naked and bad naked. Naked hairbrushing – good. Naked crouching – bad.
* “GEORGE:” You know the odds of me being anyone’s type! I have never been anyone’s type, but apparently this Marisa Tomei loves, funny, quirkie, bald men!
“JERRY:” Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Too bad your engaged.
* “JERRY:” The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That’s sexual perjury!
* “JERRY:” Well well, if it isn’t the first lady of the American theatre.
* “JERRY:” That’s the true spirit of Christmas, people being helped by people other than me.
* “JERRY:” Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
* “GEORGE:” During that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy.
“JERRY:” Not a very long trip.
* “GEORGE:” I’m the bad boy. I’ve never been the bad boy.
“JERRY:” You’ve been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend…
“GEORGE:” Yes, yes…
“JERRY:” The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk…
“GEORGE:” Okay, the point is made.
“JERRY:” The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen… the bad tipper!
* “JERRY:” The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved.
* “JERRY:” If I was a woman I’d be down on the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
* “JERRY:” I guess I just wasn’t ready for the responsibilities of a pretend-marriage.
* “JERRY:” So, basically, it’s every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves.
“GEORGE:” In a manner of speaking.
“JERRY:” Well, that’s honest.
“GEORGE:” She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
“JERRY:” Well, perhaps when she’s released from the burn center she’ll see things more clearly.
* “JERRY:” Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
“ELAINE:” I couldn’t look. It was like a Pekinese.
“JERRY:” Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
* “GEORGE:” They can’t shoot us in the city.
“JERRY:” Naah, no one’s ever been shot in the city.
* “JERRY:” People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.
* “JERRY:” Newman never stops seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him.
“ELAINE:” Maybe he’s an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
“JERRY:” He’s a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
* “ELAINE:” I can’t believe you’re really going out with a woman named Lois.
“JERRY:” I know. Finally!
* “LOIS:” So, you were the fastest kid in school.
“JERRY:” Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
* “JERRY:” I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there’s someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That’s why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.
* “JERRY:” It’s Risk. It’s a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. (referring to Kramer and Newman)
* “NEWMAN:” Jerry, I’m a little insulted.
“JERRY:” You’re not a little anything, Newman.
* “JERRY:” What if I didn’t do it right?
“KRAMER:” It’s your first time. He’ll understand.
“JERRY:” People with guns don’t understand. That’s why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
* “JERRY:” I don’t care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn’t have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That’s who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won’t let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.
* “JERRY:” How’s life on the red planet?
* “JERRY:” Hey everybody, I’m on no sleep, no sleep!. You don’t know what it’s like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!
“ELAINE:” You look a little stressed.
“JERRY:” Oh I’m stressed!
* “JERRY:” Hold it, Newman, you wouldn’t eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
“NEWMAN:” I love broccoli. It’s good for you.
“JERRY:” Really? Then maybe you’d like to have a piece?
(Newman takes a piece and spits it out)
“NEWMAN:” Vile weed!
“JERRY:” It’s Krammer isn’t it? The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he’s hooked on the chicken isn’t he?
* “JERRY:” Yeah. I mean, let’s say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence.
* “JERRY:” Wait a second, I know what’s happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
“ELAINE:” What? What are you talking about?
“JERRY:” To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit’s gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it’s like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing’s getting through. You’re stupid.
“ELAINE:” I don’t understand.
* “GEORGE:” I told her I would have to think about it.
“JERRY:” But ultimately, you’re gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
“GEORGE:” I don’t know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
“JERRY:” You mean, not subjecting others to your sexual advances.
* “TELEMARKETER:” Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
“JERRY:” Yes. (Slams down phone)
* “ELAINE:” Whoa. What is the matter?
“JERRY:” It’s Patty.
“ELAINE:” Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
“JERRY:” (Crying) What–what is this salty discharge?
“ELAINE:” Oh my God. You’re crying.
“JERRY:” This is horrible! I care!
* (Answering a telemarketer’s phone call)
“JERRY:” I’m sorry, I’m a little tied up now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later… Oh, you don’t like being called at home? Well, now you know how I feel. (hangs up)