* Kramer enters after Jerry and George try to convince the NYU writer that they aren’t gay – not that there is anything wrong with that)
“KRAMER:” Hey, C’mon! Let’s go! I thought we were going to take a steam!
“JERRY:” No steam!
“KRAMER:” Well I don’t want to sit there naked all by myself!
* (Kramer enters after reading the gay story)
“KRAMER:” I thought we were friends…
“JERRY:” Here we go…
“KRAMER:” I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?
“JERRY:” It’s not true!
“KRAMER:” Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C’mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You’re thin, late thirties, single…
“JERRY:” So are you…
“KRAMER:” (he spasms and very meakly says) yeah (he leaves pondering Jerry’s statement)
* “KRAMER:” Happy birthday paruba!
“JERRY:” Today’s not my birthday.
“KRAMER:” Well, I beg to differ…
* “KRAMER:” You might never come back.
“JERRY:” No. I’ll be back.
“KRAMER:” Jerry, it’s LA. Nobody leaves. She’s a seductress. She’s a siren. She’s a virgin. She’s a whooooore.
* (After Kramer sleeps with Susan’s girlfriend)
“ELAINE:” Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer… Hold on a second. I don’t get this. This woman has never been with a man her entire life.
“KRAMER:” (Very smugly) I’m Kramer.
* “KRAMER:” Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o�clock in the morning to tell me he�s going up onto the roof to kill himself.
“JERRY:” Well, what�d you say?
“KRAMER:” I said ‘Jump.’ Well, he�s been threatening to do this for years. I said ‘Look, if you�re gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me.’ At least I�d respect the guy for accomplishing something.
* “KRAMER:” Yeah. Newman jumped.
“JERRY:” Did he call you last night?
“KRAMER:” Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
“JERRY:” What did you say?
“KRAMER:” I said ‘Wave to me when you pass my window.’
* (Kramer and Newman selling albums)
“KRAMER:” (In Newman’s ear) He’s gyppin’ us…
“NEWMAN:” You’re gyppin’ us!
“RON:” Well, whattya got here, y’know, you got “Don Ho: Live At Honolulu”, you got “Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs” you got Sergio Mendes, now come on…
“KRAMER:” Wait, wait, wait… Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
“NEWMAN:”They follow him like a cult.
“KRAMER:” He can’t even walk down the street in South America…
* (Kramer is staining his apartment) “KRAMER:” The whole apartment. And I’m buying that fake wood wallpaper. I’m gonna surround myself in wood. It’s gonna be like a log cabin. Cuz I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry (Snaps fingers)… Wood.
* “KRAMER:” I’d love to watch the operation, yeah!
Jerry: I dunno…
“KRAMER:” Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They’re gonna cut him open. His guts’ll be all over the place…
“JERRY:” Yeah, that’s true…
“KRAMER:” …They’ll saw through bone. (makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy’s chest) You’ll see what’s inside bone…
* “George:” What kind of operation is it?
“GEORGE:” Isn’t that where they remove the–
“KRAMER:” Don’t ruin it for me, I haven’t seen it yet!
* “KRAMER:” Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint– it’s delicious!
“JERRY:” That’s true.
“KRAMER:” It’s very refreshing!
* “KRAMER:” Pig man! It’s a pig man! Pig man!
* (from the bris (circumcision) episode)
“KRAMER:” Don’t believe them when they tell you it doesn’t hurt. It hurts bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory. Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered lunch?
* “GEORGE:” Hey nice move today.
“GEORGE:” Horning on my rock climbing trip. It’s just supposed to be me and Tony. (Elaine’s incredibly hunky and COOL boyfriend)
“KRAMER:” He asked me.
“GEORGE:” You put him on the spot.
“KRAMER:” You know I think you’re in love with him.
“GEORGE:” What?.. that’s ridiculous!
“KRAMER:” No no no, I don’t think so. You love him.
* “KRAMER:” Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I’m telling you it’s her!
“JERRY:” Oh you’re crazy.
“KRAMER:” Am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
“JERRY:” : It’s impossible.
“KRAMER:” Is it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top??!!
“JERRY:” It can’t be.
“KRAMER:” Can’t it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
“JERRY:” Alright that’s enough.
* “George:” Yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly.
“KRAMER:” Some big rock.
“GEORGE:” We rode along all the way to the hospital.
“KRAMER:” Yeah, I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
* “KRAMER:” (to George’s girlfriend) You’re as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.
* “KRAMER:” (the bottel return scheme)
Newman you Magnificent bastard, you did it!”
* “KRAMER:” Right now there are six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don’t we drive out to Rock-a-Way and hit them———–(extremely excited) into the ocean! Now picture this….we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then……. ….. gulp!
* “KRAMER:” I stink! I can’t play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can’t hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out!
“JERRY:” Well what happened?
“KRAMER:” I have no concentration!
* “GEORGE:” I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole… so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!
(George pulls out a golfball)
(Jerry and George stare at Kramer)
“KRAMER:” What? Is that a Titleist? A hole in one, eh?
* “JERRY:” (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
“JERRY:” Jane’s topless. (They all look)
“KRAMER:” Yo yo ma.
* “KRAMER:” Oh…yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up.
Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
“GEORGE:” What do they say?
“KRAMER:” Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I’m Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
* “KRAMER:” You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It’s always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: ‘It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one’.
* (Kramer pulls into a “Doctors Only space” space)
“SECURITY GUARD:” Can I help you?
“KRAMER:” Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points to plate) Proctology.
“SECURITY GUARD:” Oh, oh, okay. Sure…
* (As a car passes Kramer, someone yells) ‘Yo, Assman! Look at the Assman!’ (Kramer waves)
“ESTELLE:” Did he say “Assman”?
“KRAMER:” Oh, yeah.
“ESTELLE:” Oh my goodness.
(Another car passes) ‘Hey, the Assman’s in town!’)
“KRAMER:” You got that straight!
* “KRAMER:” These street toughs, they robbed me.
“ELAINE:” Street toughs took my armoire?
“KRAMER:” Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should�ve seen the way they talked to me.