Al: I’m gonna hate these people.
Peg: You will not hate them, they are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they’d be dead and I’d be at the game.
Al: I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t hear you. I was just thinking of killing myself.
Al: Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it’s like any other minimum wage slow death.
Al: You know another thing that makes women such a blessing for us? It’s like when you’re sitting somewhere and they come over and they say to you: ‘What are you thinking?’ And you start thinking: ‘You know, if I wanted you to know, I’d be talking.’
[Al won’t install a radio in Peg’s car]
Peg: ” What am I supposed to listen to?
Al: Your own beautiful voice. If God didn’t want other people to hear it he wouldn’t have made it so shrill.
Al: There is no more important thing than your anniversary. See, an anniversary is something special. It’s not like other holidays when other people are celebrating too. It’s just between the two of you. See, it’s the day when you can show how you feel the rest of the year but you don’t ’cause you’re a man.
Guy: That’s beautiful.
Al: To know me is to love me.
Al: How are you doing, Steve? Are you comfortable?
Steve: Sure, Al.
Al: How could you be without a backbone!
Peg: What do you do at the mall, anyway?
Kelly: Nothing.
Bud: You know what they do? Sometimes they look in the shoe store… and laugh at daddy.
Kelly: Well, all the kids do. It’s not like they know he’s my father.
Peg: What did he make you for dinner?
Bud: Marshmallows.
Peg: Where’s the dog?
Bud: He’s out barfing marshmallows. It looks like a winter out there.
Bud: Why don’t you just break down and go to the supermarket and buy some actual food, you know, like the kind mom used to defrost?
Al: ” I hate the supermarket. I always wind up in the 2000 items or less aisle behind some ugly lady in a muumuu and curlers. And when everything is totaled up, then they go for the check book. Like it never occurred to them that they’d have to pay. And they always turn around and ask me: ‘What’s the date?’ Like it matters to me? All they’ve gotta do is look at the date on the milk and add one.
Lady: I want something to go with this dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
[ Peg has a fishing catalog]
Marcie: What are you doing??
Peg: Al was admiring this fishing rod this morning so when he comes in broke from poker, I like to leave it out just to remind him of yet another thing he’ll never get.
Guy: Remember our motto:’If we don’t got it, you shoulda brought it.’
[ He asks for a tip]
Al: Remember our motto: ‘We ain’t got it.’
Lady: Anything else I can do for you?
Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I’m busy.
Al: Envy me. That’s my wife. Those are my kids and I sell women’s shoes. I was dead before I got here.
Al: Did I tell you kids I love you today?
Bud: No, dad.
Al: Think about that on the way upstairs.
Al: Who are you talking to, Peg?…It must be your mother. Tell he I said ‘oink.’
Al: The phone bill came. Let’s see…There’s some big fat calls to Milwaukee. Peg, do you know anyone big and fat in Milwaukee?
Peg: Hold on, mom.
Al: That’s right. Your mother.
Peg: We want a phone, Al.
Al: I want a life. Good luck to us all.
Al: Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?
Al: I can’t sleep, what should we do?
Peg: Since we aren’t using the phone, we could wrap the cord around your neck and tighten slowly until the sandman comes.
Fat lady: It’s because of guys like that that I don’t wear shorts anymore.
Al: You sure it wasn’t because of the guys with the harpoons?
Steve: Don’t you want your daughter to be appreciated for more than her physical beauty?
Al: Let me see how I’m going to answer this. Pumpkin, come down here. Now, sweetheart, tell Uncle Steve what career your guidance counselor said you’d be best suited for.
Kelly: Lumber camp toy or the other woman.
[Al comes in and bucket falls on his head]
Peg: Al, did you have to come home?
Al: Well, the summer house was closed up. The yacht was in dry dock. So I figured, what the hell, I’ll go to the ghetto home.
Marcie: We’re waiting for Steve.
Al: So the bucket of death wasn’t meant for me.
Al: It’s only a game if you win but if you lose it’s a stinking waste of time.
[A bunch of kids is waiting outside to see Santa]
Al: I’m rolling him (Santa) out right now.
Peg: Al, they’re children.
Al: Well, this will grow ’em up.
[Al’s playing Santa]
Al: What do you want?
Kid: A horse.
Al: Your mom’s the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundy’s…I’ll get you a horse and if it isn’t there in the morning, it’s because your mom hunted it down and killed it.
Bud (to Kelly): When’s mom and dad gonna realize you’re stupid and leave you alone.
Peg: Men are such idiots and I married their king.
Peg: You’re just jealous of the dog.
Al: I’m jealous of everyone not married to you.
Al: Money changes you. Here we are in the same room together and I haven’t once thought of going into the garage, starting the car, and letting the engine purr me to sleep.
Babe: I was in last week. Remember me?
Al: Nightly…I mean, vaguely.
Peg: Men, the one thing they’re good for, they’re not good at.
[Al and Steve seen a beautiful women]
Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.
[Two beautiful women come into shoe store]
Al: You’re not fat and don’t have an attitude so you can’t be looking for me. But how can I help you anyway?
[Al comes in with a perm]
Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.
Al: Thanks, Peg.
Bud: Pretty cool, dad. You have that ‘No closet can hold me’ look.
Kelly: But you’re still wearing men’s clothes, aren’t you?
Kelly: Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.
Al: : Come on kids. We’re gonna watch a movie. We’ve got munchies and we’ve got each other. What more could we ask for?
Kelly: Hope.
Bud: Food.
Kelly: Pride.
Bud: Teeth.
Kelly: An alias.
Bud: Underwear.
Al: An annulment.
Steve: Al, I’m really upset with your wife.
Al: Kill her.