Steven Wright Funny Quotes and Sayings
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
I bought a cheap piece of land… It was on someone else’s property.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger.
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.
Someone told me, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” I said, “Yes, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.
You know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s how I feel all the time.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, “Do you live around here often?”
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… You can’t hear him talk.
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me — and I didn’t hear it.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, “I don’t have much room up here, why don’t you get into one of the cars out back.” So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
I had to stop driving my car for a while… The tires got dizzy.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of my driveway!”
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
Four years ago… No, it was yesterday.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
For a while I didn’t have a car… I had a helicopter… No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running… (Slow glance upward.)
I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
They should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that’s the part you don’t want to get dirty.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”
You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.
What do batteries run on?
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica… When my roommate came home I said, “Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica.” He looked at me and said, “Do I know you?”
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, “Only you can prevent forest fires.” I thought “Who? Me?” So I’d sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water — “Gotta go to work.”
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning… (Picks up his glass of water from the stool…) I like to live on the edge…
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
Winnie would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep well?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
The girl I’m seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”…
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
I went around my house and turned on all the lights. Then I put mirrors around all the light bulbs. Now the electric company sends me a check each month.
I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one… It wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, “Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?”
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.” I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, “E6”.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn’t do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn’t wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I’m sure this has happened to you.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2″ taller.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.
Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “you have to put your two cents in?” Somebody’s making a penny.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… When I came back the entire area was missing.
I have an answering machine for my car phone. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was all right, I was still inside.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Today I… No, that wasn’t me.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, “Day 1 — Still tired from the move. Day 2 — Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.”
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head… I hope it’s not hereditary.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building–on the ledge… Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and… Ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…
I can’t wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?” “Yes, you’re ugly. See that women in the jury? I’d really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?”
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, “Five.” He said, “When I was your age, I was six.”
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”
There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, “Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.”
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
What’s another word for thesaurus?
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
I took a baby shower.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
Sometimes I… No, I don’t.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. Granted, it takes longer.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
My neighbors don’t like it when I talk to my plants… I use a megaphone.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
On the other hand… You have different fingers.
I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify ________”. I wrote “Doctor”… What’s my MOTHER going to do?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can’t tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… Eventually.
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… Perhaps you’ve seen it.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
This isn’t all true.
I can’t stop thinking like this.