Norm Peterson Quotes from Cheers
* “NORM:” 2:00 sure. Hey listen, now what exactly do I do?
“MARKETING REP:” Well, you’ll be in a room with several other volunteers and you’ll be tasting several varieties of beer. We’ll pay you for your time.
“NORM:” Excuse me sir, this is going to sound like an odd question. By any chance were you born in a manger?
* “MARKETING REP:” Now, try to describe the taste.
“NORM:” Well, it’s kind of sweet uh, but uh kind of tangy too. You know what I mean?
“MARKETING REP:” Yeah, very observant. What about sample B?
“VOLUNTEER 1:” It’s kind of tart.
“VOLUNTEER 2:” Actually, I thought it was kind of sweet.
“NORM:” No. No fellows. Really, it’s more of a smoky thing.
“MARKETING REP:” Right again. That’s the new mash that they’re using. Your amazing Norm! … What about sample C?
“NORM:” Now, this one misses for me, ok. It’s like the carbonation is fighting the flavor and the flavor is losing. This is really getting too easy for me. You want to challenge me a bit here!
* “SAM:” What’s the story, Norm?
“NORM:” Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. In this performance, the role of the boy will be played by Norm Peterson.
* “BEER SUPERVISOR:” The job is very simple, you’ll drink random samples of beer off the line and give us your opinion. That’s it. Well, you ready to see the brewery, Norm?
“NORM:” I’ve been ready for 43 years, sir!
* “BEER SUPERVISOR:” You’ve had a great first week, Norm.
“NORM:” You don’t have to tell me, sir. It’s the happiest week of my life.
“BEER SUPERVISOR:” Here you go, Norm.
“NORM:” Huh, what’s this?
“BEER SUPERVISOR:” It’s your paycheck.
“NORM:” Oh, no sir, I couldn’t. Absolutely not! Not for this!
“BEER SUPERVISOR:” Go ahead, you’ve earned it. You know, you were right about that timer being off on number three tank. That’s something our computer should have picked up a LONG time ago.
“NORM:” Well sir, a computer can’t LOVE!
* (Frasier on a ledge threatening to jump after Lilith leaves him)
“NORM:” Frasier. Listen to me. This is Norm Peterson. I want you to listen very carefully. You left about a half a bottle of beer on the bar. You don’t suppose I could maybe..
“FRASIER:” Help yourself!
“NORM:” Thank you!
* “CLIFF:” Normie, so how is business going?
“NORM:” Lousy, Cliffy. I’m so damn busy painting, I haven’t had time to stop in here and visit with my best friend.
“CLIFF:” I missed you too, ya’ big lug.
“NORM:” Well, actually Cliffy, I meant Mr. Beer.
* “WOODY:” How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
* “WOODY:” Hey, Mr. Peterson, what’s up?
“NORM:” The warranty on my liver.
* “SAM:” What can I do for you, Norm?
“NORM:” Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
* “SAM:” What’s going on, Normie?
“NORM:” My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.
* “SAM:” What will you have, Norm?
“NORM:” Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
“SAM:” Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
“NORM:” Call me Mister Lucky.
* “SAM:” What do you say, Norm?
“NORM:” Any cheap, tawdry thing that’ll get me a beer.
* “WOODY:” Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” A little early, isn’t it Woody?
“WOODY:” For a beer?
“NORM:” No, for stupid questions.
* “SAM:” What do you say to a beer, Normie?
“NORM:” You new in town sailor?
* “WOODY:” What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.
* “NORM:” You wanna’ know what I love?
“SAM:” Beer, Norm?
“NORM:” Yeah, I’ll have a quick one.
* “SAM:” What’d you like, Normie?
“NORM:” A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
* “GUY AT BAR:” Look, if you really need some help, I could sure use the work.
“NORM:” I don’t know pal, I uh I’ve never hired anybody before. I feel kind of weird about it. I wouldn’t even know what to ask you.
“GUY:” Well, why you’re thinking about it, can I buy you a beer?
“NORM:” Welcome aboard.
* “WOODY:” What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” A flashing sign in my gut that says, `Insert Beer Here.’
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* “WOODY:” Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
“NORM:” Yep, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver. speaker (61 K .wav)
* “WOODY:” How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Poor.
“WOODY:” I’m sorry to hear that.
“NORM:” No, I mean pour.
* “SAM:” What do you say, Norm?
“NORM:” Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink. And down it goes.
* “WOODY:” What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” The question is what’s going IN Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody. speaker (42 K .wav)
* “WOODY:” How’s it hanging, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Better when my butt is hanging off this bar stool with a beer in my hand.
* “WOODY:” Want another beer, Mr. P.?
“NORM:” Love to Woody, but I’ve got to get back to painting Frasier and Lilith’s place. This is the first job anyone’s given me in like four months. I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize it. I’m really making an effort this time to be the kind of dependable professional that I would like to have working for me.
“WOODY:” See ya’ Mr. Peterson.
“NORM:” (Norm reopens the door) What Wood?
“WOODY:” I said, I’ll see ya’.
“NORM:” Damnit, Woody! Now you made me late man! Alright as long as I’m late I’ll just have another beer I guess.
* “WOODY:” Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” All right, but stop me at one…. make that one-thirty.
* “COACH:” How about a beer, Norm?
“NORM:” Hey, I’m high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
* “COACH:” Beer, Normie?
“NORM:” Uh, Coach, I dunno’, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I’m still young.
* “COACH:” What’s the story, Norm?
“NORM:” Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. speaker (34 K .wav)
* “SAM:” What’s new, Normie?
“NORM:” Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach. They’re demanding beer.
* “COACH:” What’ll it be, Normie?
“NORM:” Just the usual Coach. I’ll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
* “COACH:” What would you say to a beer, Normie?
“NORM:” Daddy wuvs you.
* “NORM:” Gentlemen, start your taps.
* “NORM:” Hey! Hey! Wait a minute. This smacks of Gary.
“GUY AT BAR:” You mean he had a spy in here.
“CLIFF:” Yeah, hey that’s right. Who was that guy at the end of the bar drinking imported beer?
“NORM:” Uh huh, very suspicious, ya’ know none of us could afford that stuff.
* “WOODY:” Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass.
* “WOODY:” What’s the latest, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. Film at eleven.
* “WOODY:” Hey, Mr. Peterson, you got room for a beer?
“NORM:” Nope, but I am willing to add on.
* “WOODY:” Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
“NORM:” You mean, ‘Nice cold beer going DOWN Mr. Peterson.’
* “SAM:” What do you know there, Norm?
“NORM:” How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
* “COACH:” How are you doing, Norm?
“NORM:” Cut the small talk and get me a beer.
* “SAM:” What can I get you, Norm?
“NORM:” (scratching his beard) Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer, I think I’ll just drown the little suckers.
* “COACH:” Beer, Norm?
“NORM:” Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
* “COACH:” Beer, Norm?
“NORM:” I heard of that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it.
* “SAM:” Beer, Norm?
“NORM:” Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
* “COACH:” Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
“NORM:” No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
* “COACH:” How’s a beer sound, Norm?
“NORM:” I dunno’. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
* What can I get you Norm?
“NORM:” A transfusion with a head on it.
* What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
“NORM:” Going down?
* Little early in the day for a beer, isn’t it Norm?
“NORM:” So float a corn flake in it.
* How about a beer, Norm?
“NORM:” That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!
* Beer, Norm?
“NORM:” Yeah, that’s it.
* Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
“NORM:” And I need a beer to wash him down.
* What’ll you have, Norm?
“NORM:” Fame, fortune, and fast women.
How ’bout a beer?
“NORM:” Even better.
* Beer, Norm?
“NORM:” Naah, I’d probably just drink it.
* What can I do for you, Norm?
“NORM:” Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. Uhhh, how about a first one?
* What’s doing, Norm?
“NORM:” Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.
* “SAM:” Whatta’ you up to, Norm?
“NORM:” My ideal weight, if I were eleven feet tall. speaker (87 K .wav)
* “NORM:” Women. Can’t live with ’em, pass the beer nuts. speaker (36 K .wav)
* (After Sam leaves to sail around the world and the clientele changes)
“NORM:” Hey, everybody.
“”WOODY:” ” Norm! (everyone else in the bar is silent)
“NORM:” That’s it, I’m leaving.
* “NORM:” Hey, everybody.
“ALL:” silence (everybody is mad at Norm for becoming rich)
“NORM:” (carrying on both sides of the conversation himself)
Norm! – Norman.
How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
* “COACH:” What’s up, Norm?
“NORM:” Corners of my mouth, Coach.
* “COACH:” What’s shaking, Norm?
“NORM:” All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
* “COACH:” Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
“NORM:” With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
* “NORM:” See ya’ in the morning, I guess, huh?
“SAM:” Yeah, I may be a little late.
“NORM:” That’s okay, I had a key made. speaker (57 K .wav)
* “COACH:” What’s up, Normie?
“NORM:” The temperature under my collar, Coach.
* “WOODY:” What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Clifford Clavin’s head.
* “WOODY:” Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
“NORM:” Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. Found him every couple of blocks.
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* “WOODY:” How are you Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Yeah…as if you care.
* “SAM:” Watcha’ up to Norm?
“NORM:” My ears.
* “NORM:” Well Woody I’m off to the pool to do a couple…
“WOODY:” Laps, Mr. P.?
“NORM:” No, Cannonballs.
* “WOODY:” What’s shaking, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” What isn’t?
* What’s new, Norm?
“NORM:” Most of my wife.
* What’s up, Norm?
“NORM:” Everything that’s supposed to be.
* “WOODY:” What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Another layer for the winter, Wood.
* “NORM:” This has to be my favorite restaurant in the whole city.
“CLIFF:” Come on, I thought the Hungry Heifer was your favorite.
“NORM:” Yeah, sure, you know, you got folks from out of town or something, you want to impress them, you want to sit down, maybe. But if, you know, you just want to power down the animal fat, Wally’s rules.
* “SAM:” What’s up, Norm?
“NORM:” My nipples, it’s freezing out there. speaker (33 K .wav)
* “SAM:” What’s the good word, Norm?
“NORM:” Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
“SAM:” Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer…
“NORM:” Yeah, yeah, yeah…
“SAM:” One heartburn cocktail coming up.
* “FRASIER:” Lilith Sternin is a good woman, strong, durable, reliable…
“NORM:” She’d make a hell of a radial tire, actually. speaker (71 K .wav)
* “WOODY:” What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
“NORM:” Elope with my wife.
* What’s going down, Normie?
“NORM:” My butt cheeks on that bar stool.
* “WOODY:” Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
“NORM:” See you later, Vera, I’ll be at Cheers.
* “NORM:” Sammy’s right. It’s a BIG responsibility. You got lawns to mow, ya’ got plumbing to fix, you got gutters to clean then every couple of years you have to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly, I don’t know where Vera gets the energy.
* “NORM:” Sir, I will have you know that I cannot be bought, and I cannot be threatened, but you put the two together and I’m your man. speaker (57 K .wav)
* “WOODY:” Hey, Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.
“NORM:” I know, and if she calls, I’m not here.
* “NORM:” So, ah, what kinda’ punishment ya get?
“FRASIER:” Oh, I’m not getting any.
“NORM:” Oh, you got off easy.
“FRASIER:” No. I’m not getting ANY.
“NORM:” No. You’re getting off easy.
* “NORM:” I’m going to save the Hungry Heifer!
“FRASIER:” Well, what about dieting, exercise, making a baby with Vera?
“NORM:” Phfft. You do it.
* (after they chase down and pants an “impostor” sent by Gary from Gary’s Olde Town Tavern)
“NORM:” Yeah, let’s check out this guy’s wallet and find out who this joker really was. This uh.. this guys name was .. Wade Boggs.
“WOODY:” Wow, what a coincidence.
“NORM:” Well, I guess Gary went to a lot of trouble to make up fake id’s for this guy and … credit cards and … a photo of him with Jim Rice and Dwight Evans…
* (as evil boss Kreitzer – into an empty mug to disguise his voice)
“NORM:” All right, this is Kreitzer! Now listen up, you bunch of gutless, sniveling little wimps! I don’t care what Peterson said! That lowlife does not lay down the rules! … Hey! Hey! Anymore lip out of you and I’ll rip your face off and stick it up your lunch bucket!
(Norm slams down the phone – Woody and others looked scared)
“NORM:” That was kind of fun… I think maybe I oughtta call Vera.
* “CLIFF:” Hey Normie, how did you think up that name, Kreitzer?
“FRASIER:” Ya’ know I’ve been meaning to ask the same thing. What was he a bully back in school? A sadistic CO back in the Coast Guard? An authority figure that used to torment you?
“NORM:” Naw. Naw. It’s Vera’s maiden name.
* “FRASIER:” You’ve allowed the evil side of your nature to rise up and it now threatens to destroy everything you’ve built. Let it go no farther. Time has come to reject your darker self.
“NORM:” Oh thank you Obe wan Kenobe.
* “NORM:” All right, I am Kreitzer! Do ya’ want to go back to work for me??!!
“RUDY:” Yeah man, I love working for a psycho. God, man your pathetic.
“NORM:” Wait a minute. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Come on, I’m not Kreitzer. I’m Norm Peterson. I swear to god I can prove it to ya’. Watch this. Afternoon everyone.
“EVERYONE:” ANTON!!
* “CLIFF:” Normie, ya ever .. ya’ ever feel like were getting in a little rut here?
“NORM:” How do ya’ mean, Cliff?
“CLIFF:” Every day we come to the same bar, sit in the same stools, drink beer .. night after night. There’s got to be a little something more to life.
“NORM:” Cliffy, for the last time I’m not trading bar stools with you!
* “NORM:” Yeah, it gets funnier every time you mention it, Cliff. It was funny when you sent me over that crate of bananas. Really funny when you started having my mail addressed to CHEETAH. Ya’ know Cliff you just keep getting FUNNIER and FUNNIER. You get any funnier, I may have to KILL you!
* “NORM:” How did you become a mailman, anyways? What, did you flunk out of tollbooth school? … You know why dogs hate mailmen? They just wanna be like everyone else.
* “NORM:” Well, actually Cliff, with a pair of dark socks those (shoes) could look half way decent.
* “NORM:” I am so happy this holiday season is over with. The whining, the crying, the screaming, the temper tantrums … OK, I wasn’t your traditional Santa Clause.
* “NORM:” All right, Lust For Justice. Yeah, Vera talked me into reading this.
“CLIFF:” Yeah, is she a fan?
“NORM:” Nah. When Vera is talking I’ll read just about anything.
* “ANN MARIE:” I mean, if it weren’t for the six times a day we make love he’d be no fun at all.
“NORM:” SIX? (half chuckling) Can’t think of anything that I can do SIX times a day.
* “DR. CRANDALL:” I make it a point to tell my wife at least once a day ‘You are my world. You are my life. I love you’.
“NORM:” I bet my wife would LOVE to hear those words. Could you give her a call?